Witty Quotes · Page 41

A woman will watch the game with you. The perfect woman will watch it on top of you.

— Nikhil Saluja

Who can prove Wit to be witty when with deeper ground Dulness intuitive declares wit dull?

— George Eliot

MARRIAGE, An investment that pays big dividends if you manage to keep up the interest.

— Nikhil Saluja

I just need a search engine that'll remember exactly what I was about to Google when I forget.

— Nikhil Saluja

Wit is the most rascally, contemptible, beggarly thing on the face of the earth.

— Anonymous

A dentist and a manicurist married. .. . . They fought tooth and nail.

— Nikhil Saluja

When I got my first TV set, I stopped caring so much about having close relationships with other people.

— Andy Warhol

We find ourselves less witty in remembering what we have said than in dreaming of what we would have said.

— Jean Antoine Petit-Senn

“I wanted to play with death, like a child with a new toy, I wanted to push all the buttons and see…

— Holly Hood

“Any life-form advanced enough to travel light-years through interstellar space would have nothing to learn by probing the rectums of farmers in…

— Dan Brown

When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you take care of our house & everyone in it, & I learned we…

— Nikhil Saluja

As soon as she gets her divorce one of us is going to marry her. We don't know which. She is about…

— Richard H. Davis

I don't even know if it's possible, but if it were, I'd like to make those kinds of old movies where the…

— Lisa Kudrow

Don't Take It Seriously * When the HUNTER says, Goes deep in the bush, shoots twice and always eats what he shoots

— Nikhil Saluja

Sometimes you want to have a very productive Saturday to feel that you are in control of your life, which of course…

— Tina Fey

“Stop to read good writers who are witty and are fun, 'cause that's the kind of fuel on which your Train of…

— Mister Lemur

If you want to be witty, say what you think at all times

— Oscar Wilde

I have an impersonal trainer. We meet at the gym, we dont talk, he works out alone, and I go home.

— Nikhil Saluja

It's so obvious The Weather Channel is pro hurricane. Fair and balanced my ass.

— Jim Gaffigan

MARRIAGE, Occurs where a man gets hooked by his own line;

— Nikhil Saluja

“The humorous story is American, the comic story is English, the witty story is French.”

— Mark Twain

I relish the fact that you've mustard the strength to ketchup to me.

— Nikhil Saluja

A woman can say more in a retweet, than a man can say in a tweet.

— Nikhil Saluja

Wedding dresses are white so the dishwasher will match the oven and the fridge.

— Nikhil Saluja

If A Girl Is Silent She Is Feeling Sad If A Boy Is Silent He Is Being Rude

— Nikhil Saluja

“The primary feature of women is not a 'beauty', it's a 'mystery'.”

— Amit Kalantri

I have never killed any one, but I have read some obituary notices with great satisfaction.

— Clarence Darrow

I scream, you scream, both of us scream because we are being murdered while eating ice cream.

— Nikhil Saluja

Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.

— Anonymous

Wit is like caviar - it should be served in small portions and not spread about like marmalade.

— Noel Coward

The most brilliant flashes of wit come from a clouded mind, as lightning leaps only from an obscure firmament.

— Christian Nestell Bovee

Snoring is your body's way of telling everyone not to disturb me asshole can't you see we are sleeping.

— Nikhil Saluja

Women love sex in the dark because they can't stand to see a man have a good time.

— Nikhil Saluja

“His principles were out of date, but there was a good deal to be said for his prejudices.”

— Oscar Wilde

Dude, are my eyes seeing what my brain is telling my eyes that they're seeing?

— James Roday

If you don't take care of your body, where will you live?

— Anonymous

Everything is forgivable if you leave after a one night stand, as long as you were good in bed.

— Nikhil Saluja

Um excuse me, girl with 5000 Facebook pictures...we knew what the fuck you looked like in the first 3.

— Anonymous

WOMAN, LIBERATED, a female who has sex before marriage and a job after.

— Nikhil Saluja

If someone makes you feel wrong-footed, you're unlikely to find them witty.

— Rosamund Pike