My mom's always saying really smart things... like, you probably heard this one, 'Why buy the cow when the milk has HPV?'… — Amy Schumer Copy Share Image
I've never slept with anyone who could help me at all. No one. I wish I had. If anything, everyone I've had… — Amy Schumer Copy Share Image
I made out with a homeless guy by accident. I had no idea -- he was really tan, he had no shoes on. I… — Amy Schumer Copy Share Image
“... and left decimated. Not for myself, but for all the single women out there trying to date. I wanted to run to the… — Amy Schumer Copy Share Image
I tend to eat pretty healthy, though, and I work out - I work out hard. — Amy Schumer Copy Share Image
I'll never forget how she told us. She took us all out to brunch, and she was like, 'You guys, I'm keeping this one.' — Amy Schumer Copy Share Image
Now every idiot from high school's like, 'I'm back!' We weren't supposed to meet again. Stop poking me and inviting me to your weird… — Amy Schumer Copy Share Image
My mom made me think I was gorgeous. When I was younger she was like, 'Look at you! You're an angel. You sparkle!' And… — Amy Schumer Copy Share Image
To be really great, you need to be naturally funny in order to stand out. But you can work at it, and find the… — Amy Schumer Copy Share Image
I don't feel any sense of competition at all, and that might be my naïveté, but I don't feel pitted against anyone at all. — Amy Schumer Copy Share Image
Let's all just follow the lead of Glamour, and join forces and lift each other up. — Amy Schumer Copy Share Image
