I remember how the other kids used to say that old Mister Swenson was the meanest man in town. But I said… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I remember one day I was at Grandpa's farm and I asked him about sex. He sort of smiled and said, "Maybe… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I remember when I was in the army, we had the toughest drill sergeant in the world. He'd get right up next… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
MEMORIES OF MY FAMILY MEETINGS still are a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all get into the car -… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
To me, truth is not some vague, foggy notion. Truth is real. And, at the same time, unreal. Fiction and fact and… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I remember how my Great Uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and whittle all day long. Once he whittled me a… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I remember we were all horrified to see Grandpa up on the roof with his Superman cape on. "Get down!" yelled Uncle… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I remember how, in college, I got that part-time job as a circus clown, and how the children would laugh and laugh… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Folks still remember the day ole Bob Riley came bouncing down that dirt road in his pickup. Pretty soon, it was bouncing… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I forgot to put on my pants. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I think the best Thanksgiving we ever had was one where we didn't even have a turkey. Mom and Dad sat us kids down… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Sometimes I wonder if I'm patriotic enough. Yes, I want to kill people, but on both sides. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I don't understand people who say life is a mystery, because what is it they want to know? — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking to the president, because what if he tells a… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Probably to a shark, about the funniest thing there is is a wounded seal, trying to swim to shore, because WHERE DOES HE THINK… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I wish I lived back in the Old West days, because I'd save up my money for about twenty years so I could buy… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Why do there have to be rules for everything? It's gotten to the point that rules dominate just about every aspect of our lives.… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Here's a suggestion for a new animal, if some new ones get created or evolve: something that stings you, then laughs at you. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
When you go ice-skating, try not to swing your arms too much, because that really annoys me. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
