For a single woman, preparing for company means wiping the lipstick off the milk carton. — Elayne Boosler Business Copy Share Image
I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone. — Elayne Boosler Men Copy Share Image
You know, if you need 100 rounds to kill a deer, maybe hunting isn't your sport. — Elayne Boosler Deer Copy Share Image
I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something's wrong with me. — Elayne Boosler Divorced Copy Share Image
I think when you take off that jacket and they see that ‘I LOVE GRANDMA’ T-shirt, they’re going to rip your heart… — Elayne Boosler Grandma Copy Share Image
Men put all kinds of expectations on you. They want you to scream 'You're the best' while swearing you've never done this… — Elayne Boosler All kinds Copy Share Image
Sometimes, if you really don't know how you feel about a topic, reading how both sides argue it can help. — Elayne Boosler Arguing Copy Share Image
My brother is gay and my parents don't care, as long as he marries a doctor. — Elayne Boosler Brother Copy Share Image
Guys wake up at your place and they expect breakfast. They don't eat bagels and M&M's in the morning. They want things… — Elayne Boosler Bagels Copy Share Image
A study last year showed that the page you turn to first in the newspaper can be a predictor of how long… — Elayne Boosler Education Copy Share Image
I didn't get a high school diploma. I really didn't have much of an education, which left me open to educating myself… — Elayne Boosler Curiosity Copy Share Image
I am thankful I was born in America, although if I gain any more weight the burqa thing may start to seem… — Elayne Boosler America Copy Share Image
I have no complaints about losing money I put in high-risk investments. I did some of that when I had real money;… — Elayne Boosler Choices Copy Share Image
My belief is that guns are too easy to get in America. My belief is that the NRA has bought much of… — Elayne Boosler Amendment Copy Share Image
We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight,… — Elayne Boosler Enemy Copy Share Image
When I was growing up in comedy, there were maybe 10 comics in the whole country. Everyone had a day job. You… — Elayne Boosler Big break Copy Share Image
Many animal rescue organizations hit with a hard-core, heartbreaking message. Their videos and stories can become difficult for average people to watch.… — Elayne Boosler Able Copy Share Image
When I played the Sahara Hotel in Las Vegas on New Year's Eve, I got to bring Wiley, my 85-pound black lab.… — Elayne Boosler Black Copy Share Image
I've thought for the last decade or so, the only actual place raw truth was seeping through in newspapers was on the… — Elayne Boosler Ability Copy Share Image
I like to go after the foibles, basically of beliefs that are held without question. If people still want to believe in… — Elayne Boosler After Copy Share Image
President Bush said he didn't want to renew the Assault Weapons Ban because it might 'infringe on hunters' rights'. Who needs an… — Elayne Boosler Ak 47 Copy Share Image
Pigs are smarter than dogs, and both are smarter than Congress. — Elayne Boosler Congress Copy Share Image
Citizens are all equal in politics: we each have one vote. — Elayne Boosler Citizens Copy Share Image
I think about death. I don't want to die with clothes in the cleaners. — Elayne Boosler Cleaners Copy Share Image
Ever notice that Soup for One is eight aisles away from Party Mix? — Elayne Boosler Eight Copy Share Image
I run everywhere and eavesdrop. It's the best way to see a city. — Elayne Boosler Best way Copy Share Image
I guess in general, people tend to not eat the cute animals. — Elayne Boosler Animal Copy Share Image
I'm pretty equal opportunity when it comes to issues to joke about. — Elayne Boosler Equal Copy Share Image
Every time we help an animal, we are healing ourselves, over and over. — Elayne Boosler Animal Copy Share Image
You know you're getting fat when you step on the dog's tail and he dies. — Elayne Boosler Dies Copy Share Image
Comedy is a blood sport. It flays the truth and spurts twisted logic. In America, people become comics because we don't have… — Elayne Boosler America Copy Share Image
