“Your love is my candy, and I wouldn’t dream of trying to give it away to strange children.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I make love with the accuracy of Joe Montana, and from a distance of up to 100 yards.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I like spending all my time making things with my hands. Mostly I make love to myself.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love is like a cookie. Maybe I should have ordered crackers with my condom soup.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“As much as I would love to know what you know, I’d much rather eat your brain with a spoon.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My love is like the collision between a falling statue and still bird poop.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love is being able to be yourself, with another human being who makes you want to be better than yourself.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love has boundaries, like a map, and I guess that makes me a cartographer. Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I make love like I sell sausages to strange women. One at a time, and always covered with a condom (to keep… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I remember the first time we made love like it was the second time. We never made love again, and I don’t… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I just got a new windshield. Slowly I’m going to replace my way to a new car. I make love the same… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Falling in love too quickly spells disaster. But I’ve always lived dangerously, and I spell disaster with a Z.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Two guys, a man and a beast, were walking underwater, when two goats began fishing for political votes. That’s when I fell… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love is when you love someone’s spirit as much as their body, even if their spirit has departed and their body is… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I keep an outfit of my baby clothes on a hanger in my closet. It hangs there like a heretical, anorexic midget.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It’s supposed to be raining Thank Yous on Thursday, after an ingratitude draught. Also, you’d better enjoy my love while it’s fresh,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“We fell in love like the Fourth of July. But there was nothing red, white, and blue about it, because we fell… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When you are the designated buyer, ask for more money than the item costs, so when you spend less people will be… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love is a gift that costs nothing to give. Love is also the most valuable thing in the world. Think about that… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used like a Love Fleece. I imagine you’re shaking your head. Do you disagree? Fine, then when you’re… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Sunlight is great in a convertible, but it is not convertible to lemonade or love, and it’s not containable and easily shipped.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I think they should combine the Summer and Winter Olympics and call it the Fall Olympics. They could host it in the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love is like a banana, and I keep it in my pocket on cold days to warm up my hand.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The Nile is famous for overflowing like my love. How fertile is your valley?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“We had a mythical love. Some would say, including her, that it didn’t exist.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
Love is a green sky on a blue pasture, and I am the flying cow eating it all up — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If my love were a bagel, I’d put cream cheese on it. But it’s not a bagel, so I just put cheddar… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love is a trumpet, Donald Trump’s hair, and a turnip all turned up and facing west. Sorry, east. I am looking in… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I know her name. I remember because I forgot. That’s one of the joys of love. Well, two of the joys.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“We’ve got a tortilla chip type of love. So am I to blame if I’m looking for a little salsa on the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m a fan of Meatloaf. He has a voice like it’s covered in thick gravy. There’s nothing better to make love to,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I can taste one sugar crystal, just like I can feel one Cupid (the metric unit of measurement for love).” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Life, it’s made up of two things—time and love. A watch tells one, but what tells the other? We tell each other.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Men and women think about love differently. The main difference is that men simply don’t think about it.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If I were to assign a color combination to my love for you, it would be purple and brown, because you are… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I notice when you’re gone. Or do I? How can I observe something that isn’t there?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“A blanket could be used to make sweet, sweet music with the love of your life. Hopefully that person is me, because I’ve been… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“A brick could be used to slow down time. Sort of like a camel in a wheelchair pushed by a thirsty Arab. Hey, Khalid,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“I hid Mrs. Frozenwater’s body in the ice cube trays in my freezer. Better to keep her there than let her memory thaw out… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Two similar words might lead to two similar ideas. They might also lead to the basement, which I recently converted into a dungeon/torture chamber.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Nothing is and isn’t; nothing is and isn’t—nothing itself is, and at the same time, nothing isn’t.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Dora J. Arod is to Jarod Ora, as yes is to yes. Yes is also the correct answer to “Will you marry me?” Other… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“The best part about being kidnapped is being blindfolded and getting kicked into the trunk of a car. Boy, normally I have to beg… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Orafoura once told me that if I were a car, I’d be a Ferrari. One that was scratched smashed, rusted, and stolen.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“What makes a good leader? I ask myself this every day, and then as I begin to list off characteristics I realize I’m describing… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“I’d like to file a missing person’s report—on my clone. It’s nearly 2012. He should have been here by now.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
