“I always wear gloves when I wash my hands. That’s also how I make love, and if you buy now I’ll throw… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I don’t just love you, I love you a 9.7. I would love you a 10, but who do you think you… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“After years of searching, I finally found love. I found it in the unlikeliest of places: My best friend’s bed, right after… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I gave her a broken watch, to symbolize that my love for her is forever and timeless. And as an excuse to… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A one-winged bird does not fly south for the winter. It flies south, west, north, and east, over and over. That’s how… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m building a hot air balloon out of my love for you. I’m starting with the hot air, and then I’m going… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I made love to a woman who didn’t exist, and I can’t remember how it didn’t feel. It amazes me how often… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Poison Ivy tastes like an itch when you have it on your tongue, and I’d say that love tastes the same, only… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If it’s not one thing, it’s another. The other thing is, of course, two. That makes the one thing love, because two… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love is a boomerang dripped in honey, in that it emanates from me just as surely as it will return to me.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I make love like a flamethrower would make a good ice machine. But that’s OK, because I like ice water.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’d rather jump in a tank with a tiger shark than make love to his right hand. I don’t care if he… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Never sit on a freshly painted bench, or stand on a wet wall. That’s a lesson in love I had to learn… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love is the sound of footsteps behind you in a dark hallway. Why does it seem like I’m walking on grass, rather… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I used to think I knew what love was, but here recently it has been revealed to me that what I thought… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If my love could be represented by a blur, it would be the beating of a hummingbird’s wings. Did you know that… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m sad that I’m leaving, but I’m happy that I’m going. The thing is, I am in love, and I’m going to… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love doesn’t spend its time watering your plants. But it might bubblegum swank monkey mouth with you—twice.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love will find you eventually, I guarantee it. That’s why you need to buy an invisible cloak from me for the one-time… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If you were to ask me what kind of musical sound I aspire to produce, that noise would be a wet nipple… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The sun is a flower, and it burns my goddamn nostrils like the scent of love, which I haven’t tasted since I… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love is always there when you don’t need it, and when you need it and it’s not there, well, that’s what hookers… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When I told her my love would stop her tears from falling, she started laughing. She laughed so hard she started crying.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I notice when you’re gone. Or do I? How can I observe something that isn’t there?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“A blanket could be used to make sweet, sweet music with the love of your life. Hopefully that person is me, because I’ve been… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“A brick could be used to slow down time. Sort of like a camel in a wheelchair pushed by a thirsty Arab. Hey, Khalid,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“I hid Mrs. Frozenwater’s body in the ice cube trays in my freezer. Better to keep her there than let her memory thaw out… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Two similar words might lead to two similar ideas. They might also lead to the basement, which I recently converted into a dungeon/torture chamber.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Nothing is and isn’t; nothing is and isn’t—nothing itself is, and at the same time, nothing isn’t.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Dora J. Arod is to Jarod Ora, as yes is to yes. Yes is also the correct answer to “Will you marry me?” Other… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“The best part about being kidnapped is being blindfolded and getting kicked into the trunk of a car. Boy, normally I have to beg… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Orafoura once told me that if I were a car, I’d be a Ferrari. One that was scratched smashed, rusted, and stolen.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“What makes a good leader? I ask myself this every day, and then as I begin to list off characteristics I realize I’m describing… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“I’d like to file a missing person’s report—on my clone. It’s nearly 2012. He should have been here by now.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
