“I’ll put some ice in your coffee, to cover up the fact that it was already cold and old. I do this… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’ll tell you love is like a pickle, and then I’ll reach my hand into the jar to grab the last one.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Feathers blowing in the wind is no more a bird than a pile of crumpled up receipts from champagne, chocolate, and flower… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Don’t sell yourself short—sell yourself medium, because it’s taller. Did you know my love is refillable? For just .99 cents.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Leave me with my leftover meatloaf and my Yesterday Sandwich. I’ll be in love tomorrow, if you come back with the ketchup.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love is a tomato. And while it's true that I can live without a tomato, I could sure go for some ketchup.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I like watching water drops drip off my eyelashes. Reminds me that I’m not the Desert of Love.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love is the most precious gift you could ever possibly hope to steal. Some women foolishly do not leave their rib cages… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My love is like the shape your mouth makes while you whistle. Would you mind if I accompanied you on my harmonica?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Kevin Love has a last name that sums up my feelings for you. But then again, so does Renaldo Letsfucktonight.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“One magnifying glass and one moonlit night is not enough to light her ant-like heart on fire. So I’ll just have to… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love should be unconditional, while hair should be conditioned. Air should also be conditioned, and worn in place of hairnets.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Learning how to love is like learning how to tie your shoes, and that’s precisely why I wear slippers.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The six squares of our love didn’t add up to a cube. Still, I took the oddly-shaped box down to the post… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I am Orafoura and he is me. And he is not me. And I am not me. Or him. And I am… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My #love stories have happy endings, because I stop the tales before dejection, dementia, and death occur.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I am mad in love like fire, and I speak sushi after a night of fingernail sandwiches. Last night’s sex was so… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“As our bodies are mostly made of water, I’d rather be hungry than thirsty. And as love is mostly made up of… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The only drink I like ice in is water, because you can’t water down water. I’m like that with love, too. Don’t… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love is a winding mountainous road. Do you have an extra unicycle and handlebar mustache I can borrow?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“With twelve of my clones, I want to co-write a one-liner about sex, drugs, and finding love in a Walmart. I do… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I'm the Chuck Norris of Chuck Norris quotes, and I make love like Chuck Norris, only Chuckier.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My ex girlfriend would say I am a bit of a romantic. Well, actually, she'd say I bit a romantic. I bit… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My sword can cut through butter like water. Likewise, my tongue can cut through the logic of love.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Stoplight red is never greener than when it’s tinged with yellow. I make love like I have no breaks and I’m wearing… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“You may have to dish out more love than me, but I have more love to dish out. Also, it’s your turn… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“With my last breath, I’ll exhale my love for you. I hope it’s a cold day, so you can see what you… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I wanted to make love in the rain, but owing to unfavorable (or, rather favorable) weather conditions, I took to the shower… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The night before I’m murdered,” said the voice over in my head, “will be at noon.” I’d better write and mail all… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love is a bag of electric eels sleeping in a lagoon full of goons and legumes. And I can say that with… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The best part about love is it’ll still be around long after I’m dead. That’s also the worst part.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My armpits smell like a baboon belch, which doesn’t make me want to shower, as you’d imagine, but rather it makes me… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“In my view, a Cyclops is halfway to being blind. Love sees all. When someone insults me and I go silent, I’m… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I make love with my eyes closed, because I make love in my dreams. If you wanted to go for seconds, we… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Flower coffee—less caffeinated, more romantic. I wanted to be with her, but when I was, I felt like I’d rather wither.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If love were a dolphin with wings and a unicorn’s horn, being ridden by a blind leprechaun dressed like Rasputin, would you… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A fire truck is just a drivable penis. The flames of my love might engulf you, if you don’t let me park… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My 30th birthday happened once too often to remember fondly. I spilled all my love that night, despite a lid being on… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Every night I cuddle with a blob of unbaked clay I fashioned in the shape of a woman. But that’s what being… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I am the tomato of grapes. I am the cherry of tomatoes. I am the red fruit of love that goes best… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I notice when you’re gone. Or do I? How can I observe something that isn’t there?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“A blanket could be used to make sweet, sweet music with the love of your life. Hopefully that person is me, because I’ve been… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“A brick could be used to slow down time. Sort of like a camel in a wheelchair pushed by a thirsty Arab. Hey, Khalid,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“I hid Mrs. Frozenwater’s body in the ice cube trays in my freezer. Better to keep her there than let her memory thaw out… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Two similar words might lead to two similar ideas. They might also lead to the basement, which I recently converted into a dungeon/torture chamber.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Nothing is and isn’t; nothing is and isn’t—nothing itself is, and at the same time, nothing isn’t.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Dora J. Arod is to Jarod Ora, as yes is to yes. Yes is also the correct answer to “Will you marry me?” Other… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“The best part about being kidnapped is being blindfolded and getting kicked into the trunk of a car. Boy, normally I have to beg… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Orafoura once told me that if I were a car, I’d be a Ferrari. One that was scratched smashed, rusted, and stolen.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“What makes a good leader? I ask myself this every day, and then as I begin to list off characteristics I realize I’m describing… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“I’d like to file a missing person’s report—on my clone. It’s nearly 2012. He should have been here by now.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
