“The door of love is squeaky. Would you mind oiling it on your way out?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I make conversation like I make love to myself—I let my hands do all the talking.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The only thing that can tame and temper love is love. Also syphilis. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I make love in my bathtub, because there’s only room for one person.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“You’ll drown in my love story, if I ever write it using a fountain pen.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“William Penn would be a great pen name. But for love letters to manicured lawns, trees, and benches, the best name would… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If love came in a cardboard tube, I’d probably send it priority mail. But I’d make you pay for shipping.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If love were a gesture, I don’t think it would be a gyrating pelvis. But then again, I could be wrong, as… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If my skin wasn’t flesh, but was tinfoil, I’d probably not only be left-handed, but I’d be a leftover. I guess the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“You could empty the trash and my love for you still wouldn’t fit inside. But just because it won’t fit, doesn’t mean… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love is like a corn-dog popsicle, and I’m on the Most Wanted list. Unfortunately it’s by the government, specifically the FDA, and… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“In a blind taste-test, my kisses were rated as Helen Kelleresque. Women love how the only sense I keenly possess is nonsense.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“We made love like I make grilled cheese sandwiches. I had no idea what I was doing, but she melted into me… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’d like to spend money on a wallet, but if I spent money on a wallet, I’d have none left over to… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My eyes were blurry from being in love, and my feelings were as furry as Bigfoot. I thought I spotted Her, the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I had a dream about you. I’d just invented a flying bathtub, and you were dirty and afraid of heights. I thought… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I had a dream about you. We went for a walk, though we didn’t hold hands because we went in separate directions.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If it comes all scratched and dented, then no matter what you do, unless you buff and polish it, it always looks… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“50% of sales are going to come from women buying it for men, but where are the other 50% in sales going… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“How would you define love to an eight-year-old aardvark from Argentina who hears angularly, rather than linearly? I don’t know, but let… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If counting is thinking, then the longest I’ve ever thought about any one subject continuously for is 127, 983 seconds. I might… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A flower blooms in my heart. You may call that love, but I call it water conservation.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love isn’t the last thing on my mind. The last thing on my mind is my skull.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If I told you I make love like a rainbow, would you be my leprechaun?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My love is like an empty bottle of wine. If you’re wondering, my ex wife drank it all.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I meant to spear her with my love, but bad breath got in the way. Next time I’ll spearmint.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I am approximately 96.694444% in love with you. Of course, that’s just a rough estimate.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“You can’t steal what no man owns. Like my love, for example. It’s owned exclusively by women.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love is like a cloudless blue sky. That’s why I always carry an open umbrella.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I eat fog for breakfast, and I shit out steamy love scenes from the 80s.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love has already put on its pants by the time you realize your diaper needs to be changed.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I make love like I make coffee. Tuesdays and Thursdays I offer free refills. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I notice when you’re gone. Or do I? How can I observe something that isn’t there?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“A blanket could be used to make sweet, sweet music with the love of your life. Hopefully that person is me, because I’ve been… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“A brick could be used to slow down time. Sort of like a camel in a wheelchair pushed by a thirsty Arab. Hey, Khalid,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“I hid Mrs. Frozenwater’s body in the ice cube trays in my freezer. Better to keep her there than let her memory thaw out… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Two similar words might lead to two similar ideas. They might also lead to the basement, which I recently converted into a dungeon/torture chamber.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Nothing is and isn’t; nothing is and isn’t—nothing itself is, and at the same time, nothing isn’t.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Dora J. Arod is to Jarod Ora, as yes is to yes. Yes is also the correct answer to “Will you marry me?” Other… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“The best part about being kidnapped is being blindfolded and getting kicked into the trunk of a car. Boy, normally I have to beg… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Orafoura once told me that if I were a car, I’d be a Ferrari. One that was scratched smashed, rusted, and stolen.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“What makes a good leader? I ask myself this every day, and then as I begin to list off characteristics I realize I’m describing… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“I’d like to file a missing person’s report—on my clone. It’s nearly 2012. He should have been here by now.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
