“Trying to put a baby back in the womb is like trying to convert a butterfly into a caterpillar, but still I’ve… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I would rather make love than war, but only because condoms kill millions of lives more enjoyably.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love reminds me of when I was six and had a pet goldfish named “Silverbird” that I carried around the house, petting… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love is like a rolling rock—with wheels. And legs, too! But no breaks or shoes or anal lubrication.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Time flows like a canoe floats, and my love would fit in your purse if you’d just empty your money into my… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If love were a pirate, then maybe I would wear an unopened condom over my eye, like an eye patch, and shave… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love has a sound, if you know what to listen for. It sounds like silence, surrounded by blindness. It’s the Helen Keller… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I can feel the weight of her love. It feels like a purse on my shoulder. When is she coming back so… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m like a ventriloquist chasing his own voice. I can whisper and shout at the same time, and this is the closest… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love is the color of red inverted. At least that’s what Gunnar Greenlove told me, and I believe him because he’s from… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Being in love is like being lit on fire and having your loved one morph into a marshmallow as she runs to… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“People ask me all the time, “Jarod, how come you are so much more romantic than anybody else?” And I say, “Simple.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My love is like a crumbly cookie. It’s very hard to give all of it to just one person. Try as I… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When I was in the second grade, I used to think love was the feeling a man gets while riding a motorcycle… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I think the most romantic letter you ever gave me was “W,” because it’s a couple of soul mate “V”s. Or maybe… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The rocky terrain wasn’t the reason we were on uneven footing. She had no feet, and I was in love. We made… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Drink my Distraction Juice (not from concentrate). It tastes like love, only not so focused on just one ingredient.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I love so much you could probably see my affection from space with the naked eye (take off your eyelids, woman!)” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I wrote a zen koan once about love, but it didn’t make any sense. That’s how I knew I had accurately described… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When I get excited I drool. That’s why I buy bibs wholesale from my dentist. Based on that alone you could label… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My love is made out of three things: the dawn, the sunrise, and redundancy. I poured you two glasses, which can easily… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I feel like I’m late for love. I’ll be 30 in March. Damn it! I knew I should have set my alarm… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love is like a unicorn with a rainbow for a horn. What I mean is it’s rare, and you’re lucky if you… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If love had two wings and rhymed with “mutter-lie,” could I be your caterpillar? All I’m asking for is a little time… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“She said, “What?” so I replied, “What what?” She gave me a look that said, “What what what?” and I didn’t respond… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I found love when I stopped looking for it. And I sold it precisely when everyone else began their search.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Everybody knows love is a universal language, but not many people know it only has 22 letters. Love can say more with… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I want a trophy wife. I’ll keep her on the shelf next to my future Nobel peace prize. (I plan on inventing… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“With 87 other Elvis impersonators, I’m going to take over the world. Starting with Vegas. We will gyrate our hips out of… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love is like a portable lamp/sex toy. The world calls those flashlights, but I’m much more romantic.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Twitter: Up to the minute details that are minute. I’d like to update and reaffirm my love for you every sixty seconds.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My love may be invisible, but that doesn’t mean you can’t taste it. (It tastes like a sonic boom, only not as… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick is a barometer of love. Give it to the girl of your dreams, and see if she uses it to… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I made love to a woman 20 years older than me. The impressive part is that I was only eleven at the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I left the door open so you could come in—and I could go out. That’s what being in love is all about.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“She loves me. She must, because she left flowers in the fridge from her date. She knows how I love flower salad.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Farmers don’t picket government corruption, they picket fences. Let this be a lesson in love and the proper way to separate churlish… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If love had feathers and tasted like dog food, then I suggest you wear shoes with your banana pudding. (This statement also… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Empty packets of hot sauce remind me of the love I used to have for her. Now all I’m left with is… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“You know you’re in love when you reach out to hold your woman’s hand, without remembering that her hands are full because… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I notice when you’re gone. Or do I? How can I observe something that isn’t there?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“A blanket could be used to make sweet, sweet music with the love of your life. Hopefully that person is me, because I’ve been… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“A brick could be used to slow down time. Sort of like a camel in a wheelchair pushed by a thirsty Arab. Hey, Khalid,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“I hid Mrs. Frozenwater’s body in the ice cube trays in my freezer. Better to keep her there than let her memory thaw out… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Two similar words might lead to two similar ideas. They might also lead to the basement, which I recently converted into a dungeon/torture chamber.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Nothing is and isn’t; nothing is and isn’t—nothing itself is, and at the same time, nothing isn’t.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Dora J. Arod is to Jarod Ora, as yes is to yes. Yes is also the correct answer to “Will you marry me?” Other… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“The best part about being kidnapped is being blindfolded and getting kicked into the trunk of a car. Boy, normally I have to beg… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Orafoura once told me that if I were a car, I’d be a Ferrari. One that was scratched smashed, rusted, and stolen.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“What makes a good leader? I ask myself this every day, and then as I begin to list off characteristics I realize I’m describing… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“I’d like to file a missing person’s report—on my clone. It’s nearly 2012. He should have been here by now.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
