“My love for you would blot out the sun like a cloud made out of yogurt. I hope you brought a spoon.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I always feel elfish around noonish, and selfish around 12:01. The best time to be in love is between those two points.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I am the dinosaur of love. Specifically, I am a pterodactyl, and you are my silent “p.” Stay quiet woman!” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I can’t see the wind. I can only see the effects of the wind, namely your love always being carried away from… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The earth has lots of love to give, if you just know where to dig. My advice is start in the cemetery.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Our relationship is like ten turtles marching along, followed by seven beetles, with each carrying one monosyllabic word on its back. You… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to show love, by providing warmth, comfort, and an itchiness of desire that cannot be satisfied by… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“There’s always something to talk about, even if you talk about how there is nothing to talk about. Of course, I’m talking… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If you’re looking for someone to stand in the unemployment line, I’m the man for the job. And if you’re looking for… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“L and V, both angular. O and E, both vowels. Coupled together, like a couple of couples coupling and copulating, and you… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love has a shape, but no color. You’re probably wondering, “If it’s transparent, how do you know what shape it is?” Good… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“In my dream I was a seal, and I made love to a seagull. Then I got eaten by a shark, because… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If love tasted like pork, and you were allergic to Francis Bacon, could I be your Shakespeare? We could make love on… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Orafoura, The Mythical Mr. Boo, and Love made flesh walk into a bar, and the bartender asks, “What’ll it be, fellas?” Orafoura… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m in love with the customer service at Walmart. And by customer service I mean the customer is forced to self-checkout because… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My fingers itch, and the more I scratch the more it tickles. Tickle, itch, tickle, itch, this whole experience reminds me of… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I built my ex wife a Castle of Love, and she dug a moat and filled it with sharks and lawyers. Oh… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When I describe love to an emotional Helen Keller, I usually say it has four legs, fur, and possesses the ability to… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I fell in love with a beautiful girl, got her pregnant, and then I got married. I wonder whatever happened to that… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I make love like a half an hour minus 27 minutes. If you’re as bad in bed as I am in math,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My love for you is shaped like a left foot. And if you pulled my love out of your ass you’d know… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I run like I have cirrus clouds for legs and rainbow knees. What is life, if not a marathon of love? ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The proper response to “I love you” is never “what, when, where, why, and how,” no matter how sincerely you say it.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I have a recognition dance, to acknowledge that I heard and understood you. So when Savannah says she loves me, and I… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It’s very hard to whisper in your own ear. Love is an art, but as an artist, I guess I’m no Van… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I want to do something so hard so easily, and I want to do it with no hands. Only gloves. Love will… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I don’t like breakfast—I prefer fixslow. I eat it like I devour your love, and it may take time, but we can… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’ll keep you in my heart forever, just so long as you don’t clog up my arteries. Just so you know, my… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could help me tell you I love you. Well, it could if I did, but I don’t, so I’ll just… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Trying to define love is like trying to catch a ghost named Brita in a glass of purified water. It’s hard to… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love is patient and love is kind. Damn! Why’d it have to be the two qualities I wasn’t born with?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Normally I charge 60 cents on the dollar for stolen merchandise. But since it was my mother-in-law, and I stole it from… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I am in possession of the love cannon. Please don’t take this the wrong way, but please don’t take this the wrong… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I blew the love trumpet until my cheeks were blue. Then I paid 34 bucks for a taxicab ride home so I… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Her name is Today. I told her I’d call her tomorrow. That was yesterday. I’m confused about the time, but not about… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Her love was like cigarette smoke stirred into coffee. I drank it so fast it made me cough, but she’s not offering… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If you’re going to do something dumb, do it in a smart way. This is my advice for falling in love.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I didn’t do it, because not doing seemed like the right thing to do. I’ll always love her in a way that… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It was a blustery winter night, back in the summer of 2009. That’s when we met, and that’s when I knew it… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When I make love, I make a difference in at least one person’s life. (Limit one per purchase.)” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I notice when you’re gone. Or do I? How can I observe something that isn’t there?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“A blanket could be used to make sweet, sweet music with the love of your life. Hopefully that person is me, because I’ve been… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“A brick could be used to slow down time. Sort of like a camel in a wheelchair pushed by a thirsty Arab. Hey, Khalid,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“I hid Mrs. Frozenwater’s body in the ice cube trays in my freezer. Better to keep her there than let her memory thaw out… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Two similar words might lead to two similar ideas. They might also lead to the basement, which I recently converted into a dungeon/torture chamber.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Nothing is and isn’t; nothing is and isn’t—nothing itself is, and at the same time, nothing isn’t.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Dora J. Arod is to Jarod Ora, as yes is to yes. Yes is also the correct answer to “Will you marry me?” Other… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“The best part about being kidnapped is being blindfolded and getting kicked into the trunk of a car. Boy, normally I have to beg… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Orafoura once told me that if I were a car, I’d be a Ferrari. One that was scratched smashed, rusted, and stolen.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“What makes a good leader? I ask myself this every day, and then as I begin to list off characteristics I realize I’m describing… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“I’d like to file a missing person’s report—on my clone. It’s nearly 2012. He should have been here by now.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
