Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I like it when people come to see me again, but you end up playing to that person only. You know there's other people out there, but you also know that the person who came to see you again is… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same. So if somebody asks me what time it is, I… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
There was a product on late night TV that you could attach to your garden hose - "You can water your hard-to-reach plants with… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I like wearing necklaces, because it lets me know when I'm upside down. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I'm sick of Soup Of The Day, man. It's time we make a decision. I need to know what Soup From Now On is. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I have a friend who is a juggler. If I'm at his house, I don't like to take food from him, if it's in… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I don't get the regular AIDS test anymore. I get the roundabout AIDS test. I ask my friend Brian, "Do you know anybody who… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I don't know how to fix a car. If the car breaks down, and the gas tank does not say "E", I'm screwed. But… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
What's a sesame seed grow into? I don't know we never give them a chance, what the fuck is a sesame?! It's a street...… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I went to a restaurant with my friend, and he said, "Pass the salt." I said, "Screw you! Sit closer to the salt." — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
