Humorous Quotes · Page 31

Tel-Aviv airport is still the only airport in the world where each passenger is met by ten relatives.

— George Mikes

I think my hair is French. It's been retreating for years. . .

— Rick Sutter

To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.

— Charles Stubbs

At the trial Stubbs chose to act as his own lawyer, but a conflict over his fee led to ill feelings.

— Woody Allen

Americans are like a rich father who wishes he knew how to give his son the hardships that made him rich.

— Robert Frost

It is an old prerogative of kings to govern everything but their passions.

— Charles Dickens

“I don't think the heavy stuff is gonna come down for quite a while!” ― Bill Murray character in Cadyshack”

— Mark Buff

These days many politicians are demanding change. Just like homeless people.

— George Carlin

I am far from sure when I am acting and when I am not or, should I more frankly put it, when…

— Laurence Olivier

“A Man can Live two Weeks without Food, go two days without Water, and two minutes without Air, and apparently, an entire…

— Walter Thomas Jr

“Until you have experienced raccoons mating underneath your bedroom at three in the morning, you have missed one of life's sensational moments.”

— Robert Fulghum

['Dad's Army' show]was a military thing but also very funny, so it's kind of the two things that I experienced by being…

— Rhys Darby

When I was a younger man and had a life, I owned an El Camino pickup in the '70s. It was a…

— William J. Clinton

“Now, tomorrow Miss Laurie McCrae and me, we have an appointment with a sky pilot who will make it proper for us…

— Louis L'Amour

When others kid me about being bald, I simply tell them that the way I figure it, the good Lord only gave…

— John Glenn

“Every day in New York City is a test. Work hard and pass this test, you get a chocolate cookie. From a…

— Christy Hall

'24' is a pretty serious show - there isn't a lot of improv that is happening. Having said that, I do play…

— Mary Lynn Rajskub

“SNEER. But, what the deuce, is the confidante to be mad too? PUFF. To be sure she is. The confidante is always…

— Richard Brinsley Sheridan

“But stay away from him, Juliana. When we said we wanted to make you a good match, Leighton was not who we…

— Sarah MacLean

“I told Sarah not to bring up the blanc-mange again for breakfast. It seems to have been placed on our table at…

— George Grossmith

“No, my eldest brother. He was named after our father. Our parents died when the Romans first invaded, and Stephano then became…

— Lynsay Sands

Humorists are not humorous twenty-four hours a day. In fact, when you get to know them well, they are often not humorous…

— Margaret Halsey

“Some people are each holding on to a lover of theirs who no longer loves them and/or who they no longer love,…

— Mokokoma Mokhonoana

“I’ll say, G’day to you, Mr. Ryan!” Catherine said as she quickly closed the door in his face. “Oh, the arrogance,” she…

— Diane Merrill Wigginton

“If you don't have any feelings for Will Darcy, why are you blushing and fixing your hair?”

— Elizabeth Eulberg

“If you worry about missing the boat, remember the Titanic!”

— Sid Bolon

All British castles and old country homes are supposed to be haunted. It's in the lease.

— Bob Hope

“Make requests, not demands. example: “please” kill that zombie honey, I’m out of bullets.”

— Jesse Petersen

I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.

— W. C. Fields

I recorded my hair this morning, tonight I'm watching the highlights

— Jay London

When I'm writing a lyric, things can only get so serious before they start becoming humorous.

— John Prine

I have no clue. I have ovaries; therefore, I repel all things mechanical.

— M. Leighton

Men learn to love the woman they are attracted to. Women learn to become attracted to the man they fall in love…

— Woody Allen

I guess a drag queen's like an oil painting: You gotta stand back from it to get the full effect.

— Harvey Fierstein

Learn to help people with more than just their jobs: help them with their lives.

— Jim Rohn

... an experienced, industrious, ambitious, and often quite often picturesque liar.

— Mark Twain

Tell me about yourself - your struggles, your dreams, your telephone number.

— Peter Arno

Somebody should tell Jerry Falwell that God is an Independent . . . he's not rich enough to be a Republican.

— Bob Hope

“By the time he was done with the deer it had been dark three hours and his bad leg was singing 'Ave…

— Stephen King

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

— Anonymous