They say that Nero started the fire himself because he needed a suitable backdrop for his concert. — Victor Borge Copy Share Image
Asking politicians to give up a source of money is like asking Dracula to forsake blood. — Cal Thomas Copy Share Image
“With sunglasses, a hat, and half a pack of Band-Aids, Roger could pass as a human.” — Nadia Higgins Copy Share Image
My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know. — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
“We all have different languages; but we all really mean the same thing.” — C.S. Lewis Copy Share Image
I do not hold that we should rearm in order to fight. I hold that we should rearm in order to parley. — Winston Churchill Copy Share Image
The unexpected has happened so continually in my life that it has ceased to deserve the name. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I've always figured that if God wanted us to go to church a lot He'd have given us bigger behinds to sit… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
“There is little more I can add short of dissecting the man, or going into intimate details such as the modest proportions… — Félix J. Palma Copy Share Image
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“To ask a man whether or not he has a girlfriend is to talk about his sex life. If you disagree with… — Mokokoma Mokhonoana Copy Share Image
“Bunny plucked the lit cigarette from Dylan’s lips and slipped it between her own. “Always offer a lady a cigarette after sex.… — Ana B. Good Copy Share Image
In Hawaii they say, "aloha." That's a nice one, It means both "hello" and "good-bye" Which just goes to show, if you… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
If you wants to get elected president, you'se got to think up some memoraboble homily so's school kids can be pestered into… — Walt Kelly Copy Share Image
There is a vast difference between the savage and the civilized man, but it is never apparent to their wives until after… — Helen Rowland Copy Share Image
His wardrobe was extensive--very extensive--not strictly classical perhaps, not quite new, nor did it contain any one garment made precisely after the… — Charles Dickens Copy Share Image
I write for kids because I think the most interesting (and most humorous) stories come from people's childhoods. When I was writing… — Jeff Kinney Copy Share Image
There are one or two elementary rules to be observed in the way of handling patients," he remarked, seating himself on the… — Arthur Conan Doyle Copy Share Image
What we're going for, in those humorous moments, is the absurdity of it all. The craziness of the night manager offering them… — Remi Aubuchon Copy Share Image
“He shifted his attention back to me and leaned in closer. “I told you to behave. I don’t want to have to… — Robyn Peterman Copy Share Image
“The first of ‘Goose’s Two Laws of Survival.’ It runs thus, ‘The weak are meat the strong do eat.’ ” ... Henry grinned… — David Mitchell Copy Share Image
“Casting my eyes on Mr. Wemmick as we went along, to see what he was like in the light of day, I… — Charles Dickens Copy Share Image
“An Irishman walks into a pub,” she begins and the bar went silent. “The bartender asks him, ‘What'll you have?’” Her Irish… — Fisher Amelie Copy Share Image
As expected, you get his machine. Someday, even the "call of nature" will be answered by a machine. — Tom Robbins Copy Share Image
“I can see into your heart. You have good intentions. You can’t go wrong when you start with good intentions.” — Linda Armstrong Copy Share Image
Communist until you get rich, feminist until you get married, atheist until the airplane starts falling — Juanda Brahma Metta Copy Share Image
The Democrats planned to fiddle while Rome burned. The Republicans were going to burn Rome, then fiddle. — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
This looks like one of those unwelcome social summonses which call upon a man either to be bored or to lie. — Arthur Conan Doyle Copy Share Image
“We are flawed creatures with explosive feelings that subconsciously aspire to be non-violent sociopaths.” — Jayme K Copy Share Image
Much later in life, though, Gracie made a major contribution to the opera world. She stayed out of it. — George Burns Copy Share Image
“Shut up, you fool...Really. I’m running out of things to throw at you.” — K.M. Parr Copy Share Image
“I'm more of a dog person. But I admire cats and their ability to take so much while giving so little.” — Jeri Smith-Ready Copy Share Image
“Miss Green can call a turd a rose if she wants, but that don't mean people's going to be lining up to… — K. Martin Beckner Copy Share Image
The real lover is the man who can thrill you by kissing your forehead. — Marilyn Monroe Copy Share Image
If you appeal to the crowd, either by being humorous or brutal or eccentric, you gain favor. — Suzanne Collins Copy Share Image
“Awoke to find three vultures sitting on the fence. Realizing they were a portent of impending death I shot them.” — Bridget Allison Copy Share Image
“College = A place where you spend a ton of money for a piece of paper that says you're qualified.” — Korey Miracle Copy Share Image
I have no idea what I am doing but incompetence has never prevented me from plunging in with enthusiasm. — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
