“I have a constant hungry bum. It's like my own venus fly trap” — Monica Merrill Mylet Copy Share Image
“Pardon me Mam,I'm new in town, could you please show me the way to your house?” — Frank Calvin Mann Copy Share Image
“What's the point of using words nobody knows or can say comfortably?” — Stephen Chbosky Copy Share Image
I'm sure I spent more time in Texas than anybody else who had run for President recently. — William J. Clinton Copy Share Image
It is better to swallow words than to have to eat them later. — Franklin D. Roosevelt Copy Share Image
“Possession of the box conferred a kind of power on the wielder--which was that anyone, confronted with the hypnotic glass eye, would… — Terry Pratchett Copy Share Image
“You're dying to meet my needs. You can't look away from my luscious half-naked body. The minute I opened the door you… — Kylie Scott Copy Share Image
The country has always been governed by a coalition but today it is governed by a so-called Grand Coalition which is a… — George Mikes Copy Share Image
It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But… — Tommy Cooper Copy Share Image
Nothing is more characteristically juvenile than contempt for juvenility. . . youth's characteristic chronological snobbery. — C. S. Lewis Copy Share Image
The commies are the only people on earth who think Star Wars will work. If they're that gullible, maybe we should have… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
“Some people’s self-esteem was secretly improved when they discovered that their then-lovers had killed themselves over them.” — Mokokoma Mokhonoana Copy Share Image
It was to be a short visit for the G-shevs. More than four days in the U.S. and Raisa's VISA card bill… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
“So what are you supposed to do with it?" He eyed her incredulously. "For real? It's called a butt plug. What do… — Christine Bell Copy Share Image
Matt Mason must be declared the poet laureate of the Midwest! No other native son celebrates the overlooked America, its unsung citizens… — Rigoberto Gonzalez Copy Share Image
“Perhaps we humans are still in command, and perhaps there really will be a conventional robot war in the not-so-distant future. If… — Chuck Klosterman Copy Share Image
“For his part, Mendeleev scanned Lecoq de Boisbaudran’s data on gallium and told the experimentalist, with no justification, that he must have… — Sam Kean Copy Share Image
“Is this spirited man the cook?" she shouted. "Are you responsible for this delightful feast? What a piece of luck! … What… — Eli Brown Copy Share Image
“Tom leaned in and spoke in a low, confidential voice, "Sir. You have a little something..." He lifted his forefinger surreptitiously to… — Jez Morrow Copy Share Image
...the wonderful poems interpreting with equal magic the romance of strange lands and times, or the modern soul, naked and unashamed, as… — Israel Zangwill Copy Share Image
“Quadruple crap. Why couldn’t I control myself? Why did he have this effect on me? “Are you compelling me right now?” To… — Christie Rich Copy Share Image
“Two kinds of people always lie about their ages: actresses and Latin American pitchers.” — Jess Walter Copy Share Image
It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not desirable, as one’s hat keeps blowing off. — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
You may have heard that a dean is to faculty as a hydrant is to a dog. — Alfred Kahn Copy Share Image
“He never did get right all the way again. And every once in a while he'd come down all bitey.” — Jonathan Maberry Copy Share Image
Remember, you can lead a fifty-seven-year-old body to motherhood, but you can't make it stay awake. — Erma Bombeck Copy Share Image
As you swim the river of live, do the breast stroke. It helps to clear the turds from your path. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“Although life and I are not always in love with each other, we do remain on close speaking terms.” — Brian Randleas Harmony Copy Share Image
“For God's sake put on your glasses, Sam. You're staring right at my boobs.” — Jillian Eaton Copy Share Image
Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny. — Guy Davenport Copy Share Image
“You! You foul, loathsome, evil little cocroach! Hermione, no! He's no worth it.” — J.K. Rowling Copy Share Image
“He with the cleanest clothes isn’t necessarily the cleanest.” — Mokokoma Mokhonoana Copy Share Image
The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“Doubt is a lot like faith; A mustard's seed worth changes everything.” — Donna Johnson Copy Share Image
“Yes, magnifliant. Magnificent, brilliant, splendid, superb. I could go on.” — Ally Broadfield Copy Share Image
