Humorous Quotes · Page 29

That girl had a great way of making friends, and strangers, and anyone else who was around.

— Joan Rivers

Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read.

— George Burns

“A year ago I came here without a nickle in my pocket, now, I've got a nickle in my pocket.”

— Groucho Marx

You can change your wife, your politics, your religion, but never, never can you change your favourite football team.

— Eric Cantona

The brussels sprout. This is also the worst vegetable of next year.

— Steven Rubenstein

There is almost no topic that can't benefit from being talked about in a humorous way.

— Rachel Parris

I worried about playing God (in the movie Oh God). We're about the same age, but we grew up in different neighborhoods.

— George Burns

He's too nervous to kill himself. He wears his seat belt in a drive-in movie.

— Neil Simon

“Don't be so damned patronizing. Your performance so far has been a little less than dazzling." "I didn't mean no harm," I…

— Dashiell Hammett

“You look good as a Pirate." Erin "Ahoy, matey," he said, laying her back against the grass. "Me cap'n's ship needs a…

— Sherrilyn Kenyon

A man's subconscious self is not the ideal companion. It lurks for the greater part of his life in some dark den…

— Anonymous

Canada, as you know, is a major important nation boasting a sophisticated, cosmopolitan culture that was tragically destroyed last week by beavers.

— Dave Barry

“His shoes looked too large; his sleeve looked too long; his hair looked too limp; his features looked too mean; his exposed…

— Charles Dickens

If it is gay, ribald and lascivious night-life you are after, Israel is not the place for you. The night clubs you…

— George Mikes

“Some of us were brought into this troubled world primarily or only to increase our fathers’ chances of not being left by…

— Mokokoma Mokhonoana

“His eyes, green with yellow sparks, and with elongated pupils like a cat’s, made his grandmother gasp and say: ‘Jesus! He has…

— Olga Núñez Miret

I wanted to have a career in sports when I was young, but I had to give up the idea. I'm only…

— Jay Leno

“Sitting up, Jocelyn rolled her head from side to side. “Been better.” “Heard you’re a doctor now.” She grabbed the thermometer. “Yes,…

— Patricia W. Fischer

If a guy's ever telling you a four-hour sex story with a straight face, just feel sorry for him. Not for lying…

— Ray Romano

“I could still see that Pauline was one of the most beautiful girls I had ever met, but of the ancient fire…

— P.G. Wodehouse

I was on Batman with "Superheavy" or "Zero Year" where there was a lot of fun and bombast, but it was also…

— Scott Snyder

“Let me tell you something about me. I love vengeance like normal people love sunsets and long walks on the beach. I…

— Laini Taylor

“Looks to me like Felicity didn’t enjoy being mauled,” Daniel pointed out reasonably. When what he reasonably wanted to do, was shove…

— Vanessa Jaye

“God, I’ve just figured out what’s missing – you ditched the hallowed Albermarle Teddy Bear!’ I nodded.   ‘Banished to a dark…

— Tabitha McGowan

“If you're looking for sympathy, you'll find it in the dictionary, somewhere between 'shit' and 'syphilis'.”

— Anonymous

My husband taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house.

— Zsa Zsa Gabor

“Innerst inne vill folk ha mulattbarn. Alla samma utblandade fadda plusminusnoll-människa.”

— Sami Said

“Maybe there is some Abnegation in everyone. Well in everyone but Peter."-Tris Prior”

— Veronica Roth

I have a humorous side but these days humour can be a risky thing.

— Narendra Modi

It is inconceivable that anyone could say we have tried to hide anything

— William J. Clinton

“If a man can save himself, there is no need for a Saviour.”

— Lailah Gifty Akita

Thanks for not putting me up for adoption unless you're not really my mom...

— Anonymous

I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.

— Woody Allen

“Eggs," said Henry dreamily, looking at his plate. "I do love eggs. I could eat them all day.”

— Cassandra Clare

Why would God bless you if all that you do, is show up on Sundays and park in the pew?

— Kevin Pace

Everything serious that he says is a joke and everything humorous that he says is dead serious.

— Clarence Darrow

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

— George Carlin

“You know, there are several gay men on the faculty. Professor Montag makes jelly beans look colorless(...)”

— Tara Lain

Men never know how tired they are till their wives sit them down for a nice long talk.

— Mignon McLaughlin

If the reason for climbing Mt. Everest is that it's hard to do, why does everyone go up the easy side?

— Anonymous