Humorous Quotes · Page 27

My sources are unreliable, but their information is fascinating.

— Ashleigh Brilliant

I suppose we all have our recollections of our earlier holidays, all bristling with horror.

— Flann O'Brien

Any one who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.

— John von Neumann

I see all. I hear all. I know all. And I spend a great deal of time in the bathroom.

— Harlan Ellison

It's good to know that if I behave strangely enough, society will take full responsibility for me.

— Ashleigh Brilliant

“Right at the flamingo orgy! Left at the multiethnic roof Santas! Straight past the pissing cherubs!”

— Ransom Riggs

I believe that all women are pretty without makeup- but with the right makeup can be pretty powerful.

— Bobbi Brown

Manage by exception.Only require reporting when there is a deviation from the plan.

— Brian Tracy

“Spider or gum? Spider or gum? I thought quickly trying to come up with a believable excuse when I blurted out, “I…

— Melissa Aragon

Mr. Bazzard's father, being a Norfolk farmer, would have furiously laid about him with a flail, a pitch-fork, and every agricultural implement…

— Charles Dickens

Sailboats are the slowest form of transportation on Earth with the possible exeption of airline flights that go through O'Hare.

— Dave Barry

“Buddy I have lived through three wars and several major political skirmishes. You can't beat me down with your boring-to-death sales pitches.”

— Anissa Rafeh

In Paris, the greatest expression of personal satisfaction known to man is the smirk on the face of a male, highly pleased…

— Honore de Balzac

Russell Brand has announced that he plans to write a series of children's books. First up: 'Horton Hears a Heroin Dealer.'

— Joan Rivers

Let me see you ride a donkey over my green again, and as sure as you have a head upon your shoulders,…

— Charles Dickens

After all, what is your host's purpose in having a party? Surely not for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their…

— P. J. O'Rourke

Babies are equipped at birth with a number of instinctive reflexes and behavior patterns that cause them to spend their first several…

— Dave Barry

I feel that life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. That's the two categories. The horrible are like, I don't…

— Woody Allen

“There's something not quite Christian about it," Tony said. He sat back in his chair and looked up to where his Bible…

— Joey Comeau

“I gave Henry a supscription [sic] to the Book of the Month club that tells you the book you have to read…

— Anita Loos

“The surgeon tells me that you're a sorcerer," Pym said. "Is that so?" Jaki looked to the captain with the glare of…

— A.A. Attanasio

“You have to come downstairs now!" panted Alice. "What's wrong?" "Everything! Izzy's floating, Melanie ran into the wall, my hand made a…

— Katie Mattie

“For their never-ending endeavours to obtain or retain wealth, countries desperately need companies, because they—unlike most human beings—have the means of production,…

— Mokokoma Mokhonoana

You'll call me a damned Jew, a Christ murderer, a secret worshipper of pigs and a kidnapper of christian children.' This was…

— Bernard Cornwell

We're not supposed to mention f***ing in mixed company, but that's exactly where it takes place.

— George Carlin

“Being rich or famous is the only profound thing that some people have ever said.”

— Mokokoma Mokhonoana

“what you know and don’t deny that you don’t know and knowing this you know what and why you don’t know. Right?”

— Jennifer Hillman

Beer does not make itself properly by itself. It takes an element of mystery and of things that no one can understand.

— Fritz Maytag

Women like a man with a past, but they prefer a man with a present

— Mae West

My father must have had some elementary education for he could read and write and keep accounts inaccurately

— George Bernard Shaw

In the long run, every program becomes rococo, and then rubble.

— Alan Perlis

I'm a godmother, that's a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that's cute, I taught her…

— Ellen DeGeneres

“What are your interests?" "Your son in my room," I said. "Excuse me?" "The sun and the moon," I said. "Astronomy.”

— David Levithan

“This is Nimrod, because of whose vile plan the world no longer speaks a single tongue.”

— Dante

England is a very popular foreign country to visit because the people there speak some English.

— Dave Barry

Not enough gets said about the importance of abandoning crap.

— Ira Glass

Most successful investors, in fact, do nothing most of the time.

— Jim Rogers

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

— Oscar Wilde

He has denied what has happened. His sworn statements have denied what has happened.

— Patricia Schroeder

If a person wants to be atheistic it's his God-given right to be an atheist.

— Mike Patton