Humorous Quotes · Page 25

Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.

— Johnny Carson

For enduring the bloodcurdling torture of my adolescent years I promise to always keep your electronics functional.

— Anonymous

Catch a man a fish, and you can sell it to him. Teach a man to fish, and you ruin a wonderful…

— Karl Marx

Manage by objectives. Tell people exactly what you want them to do and then get out of their way.

— Brian Tracy

The less Holy Spirit we have, the more cake and coffee we need to keep the church going.

— Reinhard Bonnke

I'd never join a club that would allow a person like me to become a member.

— Woody Allen

Thanks for helping me resolve the childhood issues you caused.

— Anonymous

I used to have Mad Cow's disease, but I'm alright Nooooooooow.

— Billy Connolly

Bargaining is a repulsive habit; compromise is one of the highest human virtues - the difference between the two being that the…

— George Mikes

I was always humorous by nature but, maybe, no one noticed it. Or, maybe, I looked just too intense or serious to…

— Abhinav Bindra

Life is too transcendentally humorous for a man not to take it seriously. Compared with it, Death is but a shallow jest.

— William John Locke

'White Boy from Sacramento' is just sort of a tongue-in-cheek autobiography. I hoped it came out a little humorous, but it's really…

— Timothy B. Schmit

“I can't help but laugh into my next sip of water. For the first time, mine doesn't seem so bad. "I don't…

— Krista Ritchie

It is amusing that a virtue is made of the vice of chastity; and it's a pretty odd sort of chastity at…

— Voltaire

In recent years, perhaps encouraged by competition from McDonald's, the British hamburger has become a credit to the nation. At the time…

— Clive James

Feb. 9, 1999 Dear Friend, Without your previous support, Bill Clinton and I would not have won our victories for the American…

— Al Gore

“We fell to wrestling again. We rolled all over the floor, in each other's arms, like two huge helpless children. He was…

— Vladimir Nabokov

We may observe in humorous authors that the faults they chiefly ridicule have often a likeness in themselves. Cervantes had much of…

— Edward Bulwer-Lytton, 1st Baron Lytton

The sky was of the deepest blue, with a few white, fleecy clouds drifting lazily across it, and the air was filled…

— Arthur Conan Doyle

“… you want me to lead it,” Holden said. “Yes,” Avasarala said, “because literally even UN Naval officer who wasn’t dishonorable discharged…

— James S.A. Corey

“Speaking of tongues, they are the main reason I'm a nervous wreck. Ryan is a senior and well, sadly, I'm not all…

— Jillian Dodd

“Nobody should have to put their boxers in a half rotted chest of drawers.” “Hey. I’ll have you know that the rustic…

— Adrienne Wilder

“What is even happening here?" Will said, looking to each of us and the back to wherever the cougars had wandered off…

— Christina Lauren

“He broke off and eyed with dignified surprise a fine piece of wireless telegraphy between husband and wife. It appeared that Mr.…

— W.W. Jacobs

“The average adult hates being treated like a child, unless it suits them.”

— Mokokoma Mokhonoana

“Imogen was a bright girl naturally, but she had read so many novels that her brain was completely turned.”

— Susan Coolidge

“No magnetic wombats, no flying hyenas, no catfish masquerading as samurai, and, MOST CERTAINLY, no Duku jam!”

— Gina Marinello-Sweeney

“Seeing how I've held your penis in my hand, I think that puts you firmly in the not a stranger category.”

— Jessica Scott

I don't have any solution, but I certainly admire the problem.

— Ashleigh Brilliant

Pity the poor infant. Born perfect into the world from imperfect parents.

— Cynthia Heimel

“I guess the breakfast burritos are going to have some extra protein in the morning.”

— Jon S. Lewis

I feel that there is reason lurking in you somewhere, so we will patiently grope round for it.

— Arthur Conan Doyle

“Most of us cling to life as if our existence were a result of our deed or choice.”

— Mokokoma Mokhonoana

They spell it da Vinci and pronounce it da Vinchy. Foreigners always spell better than they pronounce.

— Mark Twain

If you think that you have caught a cold, call in a good doctor. Call in three good doctors and play bridge.

— Robert Benchley

Bad English was the second language of Israel and bad Hebrew, of course, remained the national language.

— George Mikes

“I hated her out of principle; and that principle was bitterness.”

— Molly Harper

There's a humorous side to every situation. The challenge is to find it.

— George Carlin

I was able to read poets that were - allowed me to be humorous without being silly.

— Billy Collins

If you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee

— Anonymous