Tim Allen

If it ain't broke, you can probably still fix it.

— Tim Allen

I'm a creative guy, artistically with graphics.

— Tim Allen

But separate a man from his car - that's inhuman.

— Tim Allen

I am a thespian trapped in a man's body.

— Tim Allen

I have a thing for tools.

— Tim Allen

Men are pigs. Too bad we own everything.

— Tim Allen

“You are a sad, strage little man.”

— Tim Allen

I'm a very bad student, but a great learner.

— Tim Allen

Being wealthy when no one else is, is like being the only one at the party with a drink.

— Tim Allen

I'm sad for adults who want to be children. And children who want to be adults.

— Tim Allen

I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.

— Tim Allen

My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance.

— Tim Allen

Jill : What causes sibling rivalry? Tim : Having more than one kid!

— Tim Allen

For years, I just did not like this idea of God, church.

— Tim Allen

Men aren't men until they can get to Sears by themselves.

— Tim Allen

I blend memories. I blend them into one that's funny. I exaggerate to clarify.

— Tim Allen

Dog's listen, or appear to listen. I think they hear blah, blah, blah, FOOD, blah, blah, blah. They appear to be listening…

— Tim Allen

Real men don't use instructions, son. Besides, this is just the manufacturer's opinion on how to put this together.

— Tim Allen

Men often do things for women that they don't want to do, so that women will do things for men that they…

— Tim Allen

I love women. I actually prefer girls, as a parent, because they disappoint at a different age. They go through that, "Dad's…

— Tim Allen

I used to live an isolated existence, even in relationships, but now my family knows me for who I really am. Mostly,…

— Tim Allen

I don't understand why it has to be either - or - either socialism or democracy. Why can't we combine things to…

— Tim Allen

Playing golf is like going to a strip joint. After 18 holes you are tired and most of your balls are missing.

— Tim Allen

Never comment on a woman's rear end. Never use the words large or size with ear end. Never. Avoid the area altogether.…

— Tim Allen

I may go back and spice it up with a little bit of the tool stuff and grunting and all that that…

— Tim Allen

“The greatest missile in the world is useless...unless it's targeted. A torpedo is adrift unless it has someplace to go. An arrow…

— Tim Allen

I like Pixie Sticks. Yeah, screw the middle man. Just a tube of sugar... I'd pour two of those in a big…

— Tim Allen

Can a woodchuck chuck wood? Because the question is, "how much wood could a woodchuck chuck if," so you haven't established or…

— Tim Allen

Now the denominator ... why don't they just call it the bottom number? The denominator ... that sounds like a Schwarzenegger movie…

— Tim Allen

I think there's a percentage [of the audience] that don't realize, that don't know that [standup] is how everything began. We planned…

— Tim Allen

The people that hunt are the guys that really vehemently protect the environment. You find that people that live on ranches tend…

— Tim Allen

When I went to jail, reality hit so hard that it took my breath away, took my stance away, took my strength…

— Tim Allen

I've always felt, and I don't like to say this because I sound like an ex-patriot, I always feel quite a bit…

— Tim Allen

I have way too many commitments. I get pulled in too many directions and I never seem to be able to satisfy…

— Tim Allen

Men aren't allowed to have self-esteem, because we're already supposed to have all the power… But most men earn less than they…

— Tim Allen

I'm a pretty solid Christian. But even as an altar boy, I was always asking the bigger questions--you know: if God is,…

— Tim Allen

I look at it this way: How much of the day are you awake? You think, "I've gotta get that dry cleaning,…

— Tim Allen

I do a lot of family shows.

— Tim Allen

Be wary of listening to stories secondhand.

— Tim Allen

Comedy is the ultimate anarchist.

— Tim Allen