Humorous Quotes · Page 33

“They aint got no medication for pilgrims waitin to take the Sunset?”

— Cormac McCarthy

“Fill what’s empty, empty what’s full, and scratch where it itches, your Grace. That’s my motto.”

— Melissa McPhail

You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.

— Anonymous

There was nothing subtle about our landing. The pilot just pointed the nose at the ground and let her rip.

— Bob Hope

“I am a loser in my own plot, but I might be the hero in someone else's plot.”

— Vann Chow

To advertisers: "Do not compete with your agency in the creative area. Why keep a dog and bark yourself?"

— David Ogilvy

I believe in the truth of fairy-tales more than I believe in the truth in the newspaper.

— Lotte Reiniger

I'll lie still for a lot of things - but sex isn't one of them.

— Joan Rivers

The American success formula is first to get a home of your own, then to get a car of your own so…

— Sam Levenson

“Leah" Olivia says quietly, "if you point at me again I'm going to break that manicured finger right off your hand. Now…

— Tarryn Fisher

“People who think animals have expressionless faces are like people who can ignore an open package of Oreos. Not quite human.”

— Julia Kent

“You knew what his opinion of you was, while he -- Well, 'twas ever thus. We know, always have. They don't. Not…

— Nella Larsen

“I glance down, and my eyes get big. "What?" He glances down, realizes why my eyes are big, and shrugs his shoulders.…

— Jillian Dodd

Look at airport security now. What started out as definite racial profiling is now where the computer picks a name. That's why…

— Robin Williams

The Christian church is a society of sinners. It is the only society in the world membership in which is based upon…

— Charles Clayton Morrison

Japan has a low crime rate, unless you count the fact that approximately every fifteen minutes the entire Cabinet gets indicted for…

— Dave Barry

If one tends to be a humorous person and you have a sense of humor the rest of your life then you…

— Alan Thicke

“That is not what I was saying, you crazy twit!" Kylie faced her with a growl, causing Kat to reach over and…

— Heather Flrrner

The humorist who invented trial by jury played a colossal practical joke upon the world, but since we have the system we…

— Mark Twain

At the height of rush hour, people on the London underground actually say "excuse me." Imagine what would happen if you tried…

— Dave Barry

Europeans, like some Americans, drive on the right side of the road, except in England, where they drive on both sides of…

— Dave Barry

“Most human beings strongly believe that money is way less important than the life of a human being, but in reality five…

— Mokokoma Mokhonoana

I saw what a mess a lot of people could make of their lives when they're smitten. Some of them go temporarily…

— Mae West

“ROSA MET ME at the door with a shotgun. Strictly speaking, not aimed at me, but you don’t really have to aim…

— J.C. Nelson

“So the world was nuts and he'd suddenly discovered a kink for geeks. There were worse things.”

— Louisa Edwards

Nearly everyone will lie to you given the right circumstances.

— William J. Clinton

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck…

— Anonymous

“It was like there was an elephant in the room. An elephant that expected us to have sex.”

— Morgan Matson

Should I marry W.? Not if she won't tell me the other letters in her name.

— Woody Allen

I am not now, and never have been, a girlfriend of Henry Kissinger.

— Gloria Steinem

Ever notice that Soup for One is eight aisles away from Party Mix?

— Elayne Boosler

I'm so far gone that I'm telling the truth. It sounds like a foreign language.

— Richard Peck

Following his doctor's orders, Nikita (Khrushchev) has cut his drinking in half. He's leaving out the water.

— Bob Hope

If you can't get a compliment any other way, pay yourself one.

— Mark Twain

If I raised my hand to wipe the hair out of my children's eyes, they'd flinch and call their attorney.

— Erma Bombeck

Students ask me why I don't have tattoos. . . So I tell them, Do you see a Ferrari with bumper stickers. . .

— Rick Sutter

The slime that accumulates on the underside of a soap bar when it sits in the dish too long.

— Rich Hall

Granted, this system is insane, but we must not let sanity stand in the way of airport security.

— Dave Barry

Why don't you get out of that wet coat and into a dry martini?

— Robert Benchley

I was born in very sorry circumstances. Both of my parents were very sorry

— Norman Wisdom