As a veteran of many an electoral defeat at the polls, may I remind you of the proper Texan attitude toward slaughter… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I really enjoy that we have a big family and at Christmas there are six of us and we irritate the piss… — Florence And The Machine Copy Share Image
Have patience with all things, but, first of all with yourself. And then murder the asshole, Retweeting your Twitter Crush. — Green Monk Copy Share Image
Dear Selena Gomez, wow. where do I begin? i've always loved you. you're an amazing actor and singer. I'm insanely jealous of… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
If you're a dude wearing a scarf, I'm just going to assume you're keeping your neck muscles warm to suck many dicks. — Green Monk Copy Share Image
The special effects team designed everything, which basically allowed me to stand on a green box and look and stay relatively expressionless… — Robert Pattinson Copy Share Image
We're all a replica of Hannah Horvath, with an annoying woman in our face boasting about her fabulous career that we roll… — Jabeen Waheed Copy Share Image
In general, the straight line of a joke sets up a premise, an expectation. Then the funny ending - the punch line… — Steve Allen Copy Share Image
When people see my show, they may not laugh out loud as they do with some of the classic comedians, but they… — Mick Foley Copy Share Image
My negotiation skills are are on par with George Bush's reading ability. And just like Dubya, every time I've tried to put… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
Time is the measurer of all things, but is itself immeasurable, and the grand discloser of all things, but is itself undisclosed. — Charles Caleb Colton Copy Share Image
There was an interview with me when I was nine years old. They showed it on the local news and I said:… — Michelle Payne Copy Share Image
“I had a dream about you. You were you, but you were many—a multitude of mannequins, each named Manny. And I was… — Dora J. Arod Copy Share Image
We do all like to get things inside a barb-wire corral. Especially our fellow-men. We love to round them up inside the… — D. H. Lawrence Copy Share Image
My mom's been having a hard time lately. She just found out that she has to have both of her breasts removed… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
My mom asked me how was I going to dress this halloween. I replied sarcastically ''Like a hoe''. She thought it was… — Avalon Copy Share Image
There is a theory which states that if ever for any reason anyone discovers what exactly the Universe is for and why… — Douglas Adams Copy Share Image
A sportswriter once referred to him as our future president. With a name like Kevin, I don't know whether that's possible. — Barack Obama Copy Share Image
I don't need to wake up in the morning feeling like P.Diddy when I could just wake up in the morning feeling… — Sarahi Gonzalez Copy Share Image
We have far too many kids. At one time in the playpen there was standing-room only. It looked like a bus stop… — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
One day I along with my friends had the curiosity to do some experiment and we came up with a new taste… — Dharmendra Copy Share Image
To me, when something's really funny, there's, like, a wildness to it, and it's very close to the wildness of something potentially… — Perfume Genius Copy Share Image
The reason I'm not an alcoholic is I don't like to drink in front of the kids . . . and when… — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
You walk into the locker room, and you see players with their ripping muscles and stomachs you could wash your clothes in. — Jerry Coleman Copy Share Image
The world would be a better place if everyone took a chill pill. It would get even better if some of them… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
You ever go to shop for tuna, and it says "dolphin safe", and you look at it and kind of go, "Yeah,… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
Eenie meenie miney mo, caught you cheating with that hoe, tried to lie right through my face, think again you've been replaced — Avalon Copy Share Image
I just bought a Chihuahua. It's the dog for lazy people. You don't have to walk it. Just hold it out the… — Anthony Ward Clark Copy Share Image
“Van was feeding Christian as we walked in the door. I shielded my hands in front of my face to prevent from… — Jennifer Foor Copy Share Image
We are fans of Mozart and Beethoven, as well 'South Park' and Borat. We believe that we can attract many people who… — Aleksey Igudesman Copy Share Image
The capacity of human beings to bore one another seems to be vastly greater than that of any other animal. Some of… — H. L. Mencken Copy Share Image
“Don't mind her," Kip said to Nicki. "She's just crabby from the long ride." "Yeah, I've been riding with...I mean on...a horse's… — Shawn Keenan Copy Share Image
Sometimes when you do a whole script, you hand it off, and it gets rewritten by a bunch of people, and people… — Robert Ben Garant Copy Share Image
It took me eight books to finally be at a point in my career where I could come out with a book… — John Scalzi Copy Share Image
So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give… — Tim Vine Copy Share Image
I want to do another reality show. It's based on The Mole. It's about sexually transmitted diseases. It's called "God, I Hope… — Zach Galifianakis Copy Share Image
Allow me to summarize the heroic Jewish uprising against the banning of our religion by mumbling a prayer written in phonetic Hebrew. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
What President of the Airline is doing is, he's urging everyone to give up their frequent flyer miles for sick kids... But… — David Cross Copy Share Image
Models are like baseball players. We make a lot of money quickly, but all of a sudden we're 30 years old, we… — Cindy Crawford Copy Share Image
I always think everyone else is funnier than me. I look at other comedians and I say, 'I wish I was that… — Carrot Top Copy Share Image
