Kevin Hart. He's the man! I like his style. He's short, so I can relate. All the stories he tells are real.… — Cameron Boyce Copy Share Image
“What do you want? Where's the goddamn ice I ordered? Where's the booze? There's a war on, man! People are being killed!” — Hunter S. Thompson Copy Share Image
What we get, and all we ever get, from the outside is information; how we choose to act on this information is… — William Glasser Copy Share Image
My mom, for most of her life, was a Holocaust denier. And it was terrible for the entire family to have to… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
The real problem you get with humour is that you only have so many kinds of jokes within you, and you mine… — Bill Bryson Copy Share Image
“The great William Shakespeare said, "What's in a name?" He also said, "Call me Billy one more time and I will stab… — Cuthbert Soup Copy Share Image
Wealth and rank are what men desire, but unless they be obtained in the right way they may not be possessed. Poverty… — Confucius Copy Share Image
Whenever you feel sadness in your heart,Dullness in your eyes,paleness on your face and Loneliness in your life…It shows you are suffering… — Simi Ngr Copy Share Image
Fifty years ago, 100 white men chasing one black man across a field was called the Ku Klux Klan. Today it's called… — Alex Hay Copy Share Image
We tend to get what we expect - both from ourselves and from others. When we expect more, we tend to get… — Stephen Covey Copy Share Image
If you look at a group of people that had faith, it's got to be the Jews. They followed Moses through the… — Adam Ferrara Copy Share Image
I've taken my fun where I've found it, An' now I must pay for my fun, For the more you 'ave known… — Rudyard Kipling Copy Share Image
The three phrases that'll get you through life: 1: Cover for me. 2: Oh, good idea, Boss! 3: It was like that… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“he’s too damn tall. I’d have to sit in his lap or get a step stool to kiss him anywhere near his… — Jennifer James Copy Share Image
“In the afternoon the ship's company assembled aft, on deck, under the awnings; the flute, the asthmatic meodeon, and the consumptive clarinet… — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
No matter what the situation is - even if it's something that's not overly funny - people in Derry can always find… — Jamie-Lee O'Donnell Copy Share Image
They are still trying to bomb with artillery and rocket-propelled grenades to hit the Republican Guard who are controlling Saddam International Airport. — Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf Copy Share Image
At this point, I've really failed at a lot of things. It's nice to be able to say that, in a way.… — Steve-O Copy Share Image
I love every minute of fatherhood, staying up all night, changing nappies, kids crying, I find it really funny and inspiring. It… — Elton John Copy Share Image
Back when Sammy Davis, Jr. and Dean Martin were doing roasts, they were all friends. They knew each other's children, each other's… — Charlie Murphy Copy Share Image
These mercenaries and hirelings kidnapped civilians in the Al-Faw Peninsula so that they might claim that they captured Iraqi soldiers. — Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf Copy Share Image
I write what I think is funny and I write from a sense of popping a balloon or a sense of injustice,… — Denis Leary Copy Share Image
“My heart started racing, not the bad kind of heart racing, like I'm going to die. But the good kind of heart… — Maria Semple Copy Share Image
I was seized by the stern hand of Compulsion, that dark, unreasonable Urge that impels women to clean house in the middle… — James Thurber Copy Share Image
If Rose's streak was still intact, with that single to left, the fans would be throwing babies out of the upper deck. — Jerry Coleman Copy Share Image
At my age I do what Mark Twain did. I get my daily paper, look at the obituaries page and if I'm… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
We've got a bunch of new writers now who tell me they grew up watching The Simpsons. It's bizarre, and they're writing… — Matt Groening Copy Share Image
“Please, comrade! I just want to chop him up for the stew!' 'And that's another thing! I'm tired of stew! I want… — Jeff Smith Copy Share Image
“Whoa. Not too stiff," Cody said. "Secure, strong, but calm. Like you're caressing a beautiful woman, remember?" That made me think of… — Brandon Sanderson Copy Share Image
I particularly like Twitter, because it's short and can be very funny and informative. It's a little bit like having your own… — Margaret Atwood Copy Share Image
Roses aer red viloets are blue he's for me not for you and if by chance you take my place ill take… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Everyone makes mistakes but only ur girlfriends, wife & boss have the gifted talent of finding, remembering and reminding it to you.. — Green Monk Copy Share Image
They say that marijuana is an entrance to other drugs...I say it's more like an entrance to the late night drive-thru window. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“Winnie, don't you ever think you're selling yourself short?" "Nope. Never. I'm really good at picking quality dick.” — Elizabeth Brown Copy Share Image
The captain has just turned on the fasten-seat-belt-sign. He didn't mean to, but the joint he was smoking fell in his lap,… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I started 'Will & Grace' when I was 39, and Nick started 'Parks and Rec' when he was 39. And he's really… — Megan Mullally Copy Share Image
"Write that down," the King said to the jury, and the jury eagerly wrote down all three dates on their slates, and… — Lewis Carroll Copy Share Image
If you were a pirate, you know what would be the one thing that would really make you mad? Treasure chests with… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
“Don't be too funny, guys like funny but they don't want to marry a comedian, right? The guy is supposed to be… — Lindsey Kelk Copy Share Image
A rayformer thinks he was ilicted because he was a rayformer, whin th thruth iv th matther is he was ilicted because… — Finley Peter Dunne Copy Share Image
