Funny Quotes · Page 570

The only things we keep permanently are those we give away,

— Waite Phillips

I'd like to have a child one day.. two days at the most.

— Anonymous

Wakin up to find another day. The moon got lost again last night, but now the sun has finally had its say

— Gwen Stefani

Women are like commercials... nothing more than false advertisement

— Green Monk

I don't believe in an afterlife, but I'm taking an extra pair of underwear just in case.

— Woody Allen

Whether you like it or not, whether you know it or not, secretly all nature seeks God and works toward [God].

— Meister Eckhart

Robin Williams learned technique. He has the technique of being funny.

— Paul Mooney

Women: Can't live with them, can't bury them in the back yard without the neighbours seeing.

— Sean Williamson

Guy goes into a bar with a duck under his arm. Bartender says, "Where'd you get the pig?" Guy says, "This is…

— Rodney Dangerfield

Hail to the Chief" was played, and the President got up and made a gracious opening remark. "I've been in this office…

— Kirk Douglas

Half of being a comedian is knowing how to pace a joke, how to say it, so someone else could be given…

— Janelle James

Mable 'Madea' Simmons: Now listen up! Boy on School Bus: Shut up, old lady! [Madea jumps to him and continually slaps him]…

— Madea

“As an unavoidable result of the inevitable loss of some physical and/or some mental abilities, many a man who has been alive…

— Mokokoma Mokhonoana

I'm not good at saying "thank you". I am much better at saying ... "ok.. gotta run.. I left $500 on the night stand".

— Anonymous

I like Americans, but they are somewhat monocellular. When I talk with Americans, I often wonder why they are so simpleminded.

— Ichiro Ozawa

“There will be others, many others. You’ll try desperately to digest a single word through the acronym-laden gibberish, while beginning to wonder…

— Colin Nissan

Receiving a text and thinkingHow am I suppose to reply?!

— Anonymous

We would rather see those to whom we do good, than those who do good to us.

— Francois de La Rochefoucauld

If the end of a cigarette is called a butt , does that mean u suck ass ?

— Anonymous

That's humour - doing what funny people have done since comedy began without being edgy and pushing boundaries.

— David Jason

Last night I went out for Chinese. I picked up a Team USA Olympic uniform.

— Jay Leno

If I were Opportunity, I wouldn't just knock, you'd have to sign.

— Robert Breault

You don't have to tell everything you know, but let what you do say be the truth as you understand it.

— Maya Angelou

These aren't my rules. Come to think of it. I don't have any rules.

— Beetlejuice

The things that are close to you are the things you can photograph the best,

— Sally Mann

I get annoyed when I solve a hard math problem to find out later that answer is 0.

— Anonymous

On respect for the Queen: When I lick a stamp I always do it with my eyes closed.

— Russell Brand

The probability of someone watching you is propotional to the stupidity of your action..

— Sachithra

Nothing is as bad as a marriage that's a hopeless failure.

— D. H. Lawrence

They say that alcohol kills slowly. So what? Whos in a hurry?

— Anonymous

Love was without beginning, is, and shall be without ending.

— Julian of Norwich

“I knew I was in deep shit. I didn’t know how deep—just that I still hadn’t touched bottom.”

— Sol Luckman

That mini heart attack you get when you're half asleep and you suddenly feel like you're falling.

— Anonymous

You must follow Jesus for yourself, but you can’t follow Him by yourself.

— Steven Furtick

Let's drink on the beach until we're no longer ashamed to show our bodies on the beach.

— Anonymous

Don't let your memory get poor with time. Do the right things to sharpen it ... like... lending me your money!

— Green Monk

I'm not apologizing for what I did. I'm apologizing for what I didn't do.

— Jennifer Tilly

If you have no opposition in the place you serve, you're serving in the wrong place.

— G. Campbell Morgan

I just build and build more yall niggas build and destroy

— Drake

Everyone says '' Life is a Bitch'' I say'' Life fucks everyone like a whore''

— Peta-Gaye Clark