Funny Quotes · Page 568

Let's focus on pairing single guests to avoid the reality of spending eternity as a couple.

— Anonymous

“Looking but not seeing is the hearing but not understanding of the eye.”

— Mokokoma Mokhonoana

The evil which assails us is not in the localities we inhabit but in ourselves.

— Seneca the Younger

There's nothing wrong with being gay. I have plenty of friends who are going to hell.

— Stephen Colbert

They say treat people the way you like to be treated. I say retweet people the way they retweet you!.

— Nikhil Saluja

It is a very hard undertaking to seek to please everybody.

— Publilius Syrus

I always tell people, live happily and die majestically.

— B.K.S. Iyengar

What you get is what you get. What you do with what you get, that’s more the point.

— Tim Robbins

“Hi's nose was pressed to his window. “I've changed my mind, Tory. This is the perfect place to hold someone prisoner. I'm…

— Kathy Reichs

Mahler wrote it as the third movement of his Fourth Symphony. I mean the fourth movement of his First Symphony. We play…

— Eugene Ormandy

For as long as I could remember, I've wanted to play basketball at the University of North Carolina. Funny thing is, there…

— Harrison Barnes

I feel like some of the delivery that people find funny is literally me trying to remember the exact line in real…

— Patti Harrison

Bruce Sutter has been around for awhile and he's pretty old. He's thirty-five years old. That will give you some idea of…

— Ron Fairly

I didn't lose my virginity until I was twenty-six. Nineteen vaginally, but twenty-six what my boyfriend calls "the real way".

— Sarah Silverman

The only thing worse than it raining after you wash your car... Is having to poop as soon as you get out…

— Anonymous

New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, "I'd like…

— Emo Philips

That can never be reasoned down which was not reasoned up.

— Fisher Ames

Happy Labor Day to someone who barely labored this year.

— Anonymous

You must talk to us as equals, or not talk to us at all.

— David Ben-Gurion

You have to know where the funny is, and if you know where the funny is, you know everything.

— Sheila Heti

Today's Relationships: You can touch each other, but not each other's phones.

— Anonymous

What is the subject of our thought? Experience! Nothing else!

— Hannah Arendt

The amount of truth a relationship can handle is proportional to the amount of perceived love that's present.

— Henry Cloud

I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing.

— Steven Wright

Happy Hanukkah to someone spending eight days subtly trying to conceal their Judaism.

— Anonymous

It's what you do that counts and not what you say; therefore I fired my press agent.

— W. C. Fields

I have been born more times than anybody except Krishna.

— Mark Twain

Buddhism doesn't tell you what is false and what is true but it encourages you to find out for yourself.

— Chogyam Trungpa

That's an interesting philosophical question. When your boner goes away, is that one gone... forever?

— Adam Carolla

There are questions we could not get past if we were not set free from them by our very nature.

— Franz Kafka

“Women who seek advice from single women about getting a man is like asking a homeless man how to be rich.”

— Habeeb Akande

Retain a calm heart, sit like a turtle, walk swiftly like a pigeon, and sleep like a dog

— Li Ching-Yuen

In 2009 we lost Michael Jackson, now we have lost Neil Armstrong We are running out of moon-walkers

— Gabi

“We can't against human stupidity. Because they are too many and too dangerous.”

— Nobita Nobi

Physics would have been much easier if... Tree had fallen on newton's head instead of the apple

— LyLe

No guy in the history of America has ordered a Smirnoff Ice at a bar without hating himself a little.

— Jay Black

When you're a funny person,Most people don't know how to take you seriously.

— Abhishek Tiwari

“That's how come I learned to be funny, so that I'd have something to offer.”

— From the film

IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labour is still vivid.

— Nikhil Saluja

Those that will always help a friend, will always have a friend.

— Anthony D. Williams