A baby-sitter is a teenager who gets two dollars an hour to eat five dollars' worth of your food. — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
I bet on a horse at ten-to-one. It didn't come in until half-past five. — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
A man goes to a barbershop and asks, How many ahead of me? Five. The man leaves. He comes back the next… — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
I've got two wonderful children - and two out of five isn't too bad. — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
A man goes to a psychiatrist. "Nobody listens to me!" The doctor says, "Next!" — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself. — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
I'll never forget my first words in the theatre. "Peanuts. Popcorn." — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living." — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
My brother then bought 1000 Japanese cameras. They all go, "Crick". — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once... You know what I did before I married? Anything I… — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
My wife is a light eater. As soon as it's light, she starts to eat. — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport. — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
