The most common thing that real reporters say to me is, "I wish I could say what you say." What I don't… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Senator John Kyle claiming that over 90 percent of what Planned Parenthood does is abortion. Stephen Colbert: Over 90 percent, that is… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I have two last pieces of advice. First, being pre-approved for a credit card does not mean you have to apply for… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Senator Kerry does not support our troops. If he had won the election, there wouldn't be any troops left in Iraq. President… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I must confess that I've never trusted the Web. I've always seen it as a coward's tool. Where does it live? How… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Oh sure, its fine when a monkey does it. But when I throw barrels at an Italian plumber, they call it a… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Evil exists because of the disobedience of Satan. God gave Satan, and the angels, and man free will. Satan used his free… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
But you are also the biggest threat of all ...You are a gay person I like. Your threat is that you make… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Comedians dissect jokes all the time. Comedians are beautiful structuralists. But ultimately it's an athletic endeavor. You have to be able to… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
If the eyes are the window to the soul, then why does it hurt when I spray them with Windex? — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I gut check my show. I say, I say, "Gut, gut, does that feel true to you?" And Gut says, "Yes it… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Winning the Nobel Prize does not automatically qualify you to be commander in chief. I think George Bush has proved definitively that… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
If someone does offer you a job, say 'yes.' You can always quit later. Then at least you'll be one of the… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Don't be bitter. Everybody suffers. If you can accept your suffering then you will understand other people better. Be grateful for pain. Love life. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the farthest thing from it. Because cynics don’t learn anything. Because cynicism is a self-imposed blindness, a… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
We all deserve credit for this new surveillance state that we live in because we the people voted for the Patriot Act. Democrats and… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I've long been against illegal aliens, partly because they distract us from an even bigger threat: real aliens. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Believe in me, cause I don't believe in anything, and I wanna be someone to believe. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
It's August, which means Congress is on recess and Mitch McConnell has shimmied back into the ocean to seek a mate. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Try to love others and serve others and hopefully find those who love and serve you in return. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Thirty seconds is the exact amount of time Americans can tolerate something they don't understand. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I used to make up stuff in my bio all the time, that I used to be a professional ice-skater and stuff like that.… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I live by syllogisms: God is love. Love is blind. Stevie Wonder is blind. Therefore, Stevie Wonder is God. I don't know what I'd… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
“Unlike Paul Newman, who seems to think that salad dressing is the cure-all for America's ills, I'm a man of action.” — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Now, for my younger viewers out there, a book is something we used to have before the internet. It’s sort of a blog for… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
