I remember how the other kids used to say that old Mister Swenson was the meanest man in town. But I said… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Think about world peace; while you're doing that I'll be over here stealing your stuff. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
You know what's probably a good thing to hang on your porch in the summertime, to keep mosquitoes away from you and… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Martha says the interesting thing about fly fishing is that it's two lives connected by a thin strand. Come on, Martha. Grow… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Sometimes, when I drive across the desert in the middle of the night, with no other cars around, I start imagining: What… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Nothing is more seductive for a man than his freedom of conscience, but nothing is a greater cause of suffering. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to… — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
Sydney had been horrified to discover my home library consisted of a bartending dictionary and an old copy of Esquire, and at… — Richelle Mead Copy Share Image
If you go to a costume party at your boss's house, wouldn't you think a good costume would be to dress up… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Any area of my life for which I have no hope is under the influence of a lie. — Bill Johnson Copy Share Image
“I love you, just a little, as little as a single drop of water that contains the entire essence of the ocean.” — Malak El Halabi Copy Share Image
Honour may not win power, but it wins respect. And respect earns power. — Ishida Mitsunari Copy Share Image
“I'm full of shit. I'm never myself. I've got a Southern accent around the oldsters; I'm a nerd for graphs and deep… — John Green Copy Share Image
What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid-gold baby? Maybe we'll never know. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
The land that had nourished him and had borne him fruit now turned against him and called him a fruit. Man, I… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Worship the potato? The idea seemed silly to me. But then I thought, what else is more deserving of worship? It's simple,… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If you were an ancient barbarian, I bet a real embarrassing thing would be if you were sacking Rome and your cape… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If you lived in the Dark Ages, and you were a catapult operator, I bet the most common question people would ask… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
“I have a deep thought for you. Science fiction is just beginning to catch up with the Old Testament. See artificial nitrates… — Don DeLillo Copy Share Image
There should be a detective show called "Johnny Monkey," because every week you could have a guy say "I ain't gonna get… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Sometimes when it looks like I'm deep in thought I'm just trying not to have a conversation with people. — Pete Wentz Copy Share Image
