Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should just call them "impressions," and if you got a different "impression," so… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
To acquire the habit of reading is to construct for yourself a refuge from almost all the miseries of life. — W. Somerset Maugham Copy Share Image
When I was a child, there were times when we had to entertain ourselves. And usually the best way to do that… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Sometimes I wish Marta were more loyal to me. Like the other day. The car parked next to ours had a real… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Freedom can never be taken for granted. Each generation must safeguard it and extend it. Your parents and elders sacrificed much so… — Nelson Mandela Copy Share Image
If I had a nickname, I think I would want it to be "Prince of Weasels", because then I could go up… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
A man doesn't automatically get my respect. He has to get down in the dirt and beg for it. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I bleed for you that's why I cut those simple scars are just deep thoughts. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I think a good way to get into a movie is to show up where they're making the movie, then stick a… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
It's funny that pirates were always going around searching for treasure, and they never realized that the real treasure was the fond… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Even though I was their captive, the Indians allowed me quite a bit of freedom. I could walk about freely, make my… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
People don't want quarter-inch drills. They want quarter-inch holes. — Theodore Levitt Copy Share Image
If there was a terrible storm outside, but somehow this dog lived through the storm, and he showed up at your door… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
How come, just as the rocket is launching, the astronauts don't also shoot some fireworks out the window? It would make the… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Nothing worthwhile is ever achieved without deep thought and hard work, — J. R. D. Tata Copy Share Image
If you wear a toupee, why not let your friends try it on for a while? Come on, we're not going to… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Selling to people who actually want to hear from you is more effective than interrupting strangers who don't. — Seth Godin Copy Share Image
Focusing on one's own purpose is a matter of considering what you want to do, why you want to do it, and… — John Baldoni Copy Share Image
Here's a good joke to do during an earthquake: straddle a big crack in the ground, and if it opened wider, go… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who make people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also,… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Do you know what happens when you slice a golf ball in half? Someone gets mad at you. I found this out… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If life deals you lemons, why not go kill somone with the lemons (maybe by shoving them down his throat)? — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
