Here's a good gag if you go swimming in a swamp and when you come out you're all covered with leeches. Just… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
“It is, I think, the rarest of leisure, hard work mixed with hard pleasure, to refine one's time of deep thought or… — Barry Lopez Copy Share Image
It makes me mad when people say I turned and ran like a scared rabbit. Maybe it was like an angry rabbit,… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
The other day I got out my can opener and was opening a can of worms when I thought, "What am I… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Folks still remember the day ole Bob Riley came bouncing down that dirt road in his pickup. Pretty soon, it was bouncing… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Instead of a Seeing Eye dog, what about a gun? It's cheaper than a dog, plus if you walk around shooting all… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If you want to amend your errors, you must begin by amending your philosophy. — Jim Rohn Copy Share Image
Sometimes you have to be careful when selecting a new nickname for yourself. For instance, let's say you have chosen the nickname… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
“On a date, you shared your deep thoughts with each other, but not that deep. We were eating sandwiches, for God's sake.” — Jennifer Echols Copy Share Image
I think there probably should be a rule that if you're talking about how many loaves of bread a bullet will go… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Here's a good trick: Get a job as a judge at the Olympics. Then, if some guy sets a world record, pretend… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: Why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Instead of putting a quarter under a kid's pillow, how about a pinecone? That way, he learns that "wishing" isn't going to… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I have a tendency to hurt myself physically, when I'm hurting inside. I hurt myself today to see if I still feel.… — She's_gone Copy Share Image
Atheism: It seeks to replace in itself the moral power of religion, in order to appease the spiritual thirst of parched humanity… — Fyodor Dostoevsky Copy Share Image
Do you know someone you would like to change and regulate and improve? Good! That is fine. I am all in favor… — Dale Carnegie Copy Share Image
If Alien was my friend, I'd like to be with him when he went to the dentist. When they started drilling, he'd… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
The realms of the gods and demons - heaven, purgatory, hell - are of the substance of dreams. Myth, in this view,… — Joseph Campbell Copy Share Image
I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and we all got a… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If they have moving sidewalks in the future, when you get on them, I think you should have to assume sort of… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Whoever said words don't hurt has clearly never had to hear the words, it's over. — Ritu Ghatourey Copy Share Image
After I die, wherever my spirit goes, I'm going to try to get back and visit my skeleton at least once a… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
