There are a lot of things money can't buy. Not one of them is on my son's list. — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
I gave my wife a gift certificate for Christmas. She ran out to exchange it for a bigger size. — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
Do you want to feel insecure? Count the number of Christmas cards you sent out, and then count those you received. — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
War toys are scary. They have a rocket launcher with a bayonet attached, in case you miss. — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
I bought my kid an educational toy to help him make it through life. No matter how you put it together, it's… — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
I wanted to get the guy who works next to me in the office something he really wants, but how do you… — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
Our local department store had two Santas - one for regular kids and one for kids who wanted ten toys or less. — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
At the Christmas party, the secretary with the long red hair ate three pickles, and four salesmen panicked. — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
I made a terrible mistake last Christmas. My wife made me swear that I wouldn't give her a fancy gift. And I… — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
In the suburbs it's hard to buy your Christmas gifts early in the year. You never know who your friends will be… — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
My son asked for very little - a kickstand, with a motorcycle attached. — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
My wife can't figure out what to buy me. What do you give a man who's had everything up to here? — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
A man falls down a flight of stairs and somebody rushes over to him and asks, Did you miss a step? No, he answers,… — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies. — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
Like every comedian, if I heard a joke that I thought would work, I used it. — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
My sister-in-law found a real surprise in her stockings - my brother. — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
When I was in school, one of my teachers was crazy about me. I once heard her tell another teacher, "I wish he was… — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I'd… — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
Every year my boss used to give me a bottle of expensive brandy because I'd told him that my doctor suggested a drink once… — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired. — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
I don't mind personal insults, but when you insult the jokes that I tell you're insulting Fred Allen, Bob Hope, Burns and Allen, Trevor… — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
I like to think of myself as the middleman between Fred Allen and Henny Youngman. — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
