My children have made me a better man, which is - in the end, that's probably more important than two more comedy… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“Children have a tendency to behave as poorly as the most poorly behaved kid in the room. The laws of physics dictate… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Now that I'm married and have two beautiful children, it really makes me appreciate... being alone. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“The phrase “I have children” is always present tense. They are always with me. Even when I am by myself, I “have… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Other people's children's birthday parties are the most joyful events you will ever resent having to attend. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
There should be a children's song: 'If you're happy and you know it, keep it to yourself and let your dad sleep'. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“My wife likes to pause before the meals with our kids and say grace. While I think this is a great opportunity… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“TV news is like kryptonite to children. The two major shifts in taste for children to adulthood are news and mustard. Kids… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Whenever one of my children says, 'Goodnight, Daddy,' I always think to myself, 'You don't mean that. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
When you have five little kids, you're not going to open Mindy Kaling's latest book. You're playing with your kids. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
My childhood best friend is an anesthesiologist. It's the least amount of human interaction for a doctor. I don't think you can… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Stand-up comedy in the end, unlike the rest of the entertainment industry, is a meritocracy. There's a certain level of undeniability you can work… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I think growing up in Indiana prepares anyone for a life in comedy. I do feel like there is a certain kind of self-effacing… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Besides hot pockets keeps introducing new products every 10 minutes so I always have new stuff on the topic. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“The song goes, “Morning has broken,” and I’m pretty sure my children broke it. Like everything else they break, if they did break it,… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I am single, I don't drink. It's kind of hard to get a woman buzzed when you don't drink. You'll be like, "Yeah, I'll… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Babies and toddlers are mostly what I've been exposed to at this point. I'm hoping parenting just gets much easier after this. It does,… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Isn't it strange -- when you're single, all you see is couples, and when you're part of a couple, all you see are hookers. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I usually don't have a burger, a brat, and a steak but it is 4th of July. And I need the energy if I'm… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“If you complain about how you spend your Saturdays taking your kid to birthday parties, that means you are taking your kid to birthday… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I believe that comedians do what they do, and then they get credit or criticism for doing it. There's nothing planned about this. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
