Joan Collins unfortunately can't be with us tonight. She's…

Joan Collins told a reporter that she hasn't had plastic surgery; come on... she's had more tucks than a motel bedsheet!

— Joan Rivers

I love Joan Collins. She's a wonderful lady. She has such courage. She's such a good actress.

— Robert Wagner

Though Maggie Smith and Judi Dench have done all right, there's not a lot of drama work out there for older actresses. And you…

— Maureen Lipman

Let's face it I am not Joan Collins or Boy George.

— Holly Johnson

Leigh [Bowery] would create fake guest lists and put the most ridiculous names on them - Joan Collins, or really naff soap stars who…

— Boy George

Some refer to it as a cultural Chernobyl. I think of it as a cultural Stalingrad.

— JGBallard

While he was talking at Baylor University, President Bush said, Times are kind of tough. He also pointed out that Bill Gates is kind…

— Andy Waits

He's done more U-turns than a dodgy plumber.

— Iain Duncan Smith

The best ears of our lives.

— Milton Berle

She's got a great looking husband, a little boy and all the money in the world. She hasn't got the looks, but you can't…

— Jordan

I'd love to kiss you, but I just washed my hair.

— Bette Davis

Kelsey Grammer has launched his own website to refute stories about him in the tabloids.

— Andy Waits

He's the kind of guy that when he dies, he's going up to heaven and give God a bad time for making him bald.

— Marlon Brando

She needs open-heart surgery, and they should go in through her feet.

— Julie Andrews

The right honourable gentleman is reminiscent of a poker. The only difference is that a poker gives off the occasional signs of warmth.

— Benjamin Disraeli