“Behind me, I heard my apprentice growl, “All your base are belong to us, Niko.” — Kevin Hearne Apprentice Copy Share Image
“The garden of sarcasm is watered with impatience, and mine chose that moment to bloom.” — Kevin Hearne Gardening Copy Share Image
“Atticus "three kinds of cat shit, Oberon." Oberon "and an arrogant family of squirrels.” — Kevin Hearne Alliteration Copy Share Image
“Atticus:"I found it difficult not to grin like a geek at a Trekkie convention.” — Kevin Hearne Copy Share Image
“Huh... guess they didn't want a cracker after all. Another myth BUSTED” — Kevin Hearne Cracker Copy Share Image
“The function of assholes in the world, just like the asshole we all have, is to spread shit around.” — Kevin Hearne Copy Share Image
Granuaile:"So why don't cult leaders achieve godhood?" Atticus:" Because they're megalomaniacs drenched in douche juice. — Kevin Hearne Copy Share Image
“Strange how we unconsciously steer ourselves into new spectacular mistakes while trying to avoid repeating our past failures.” — Kevin Hearne Failure Copy Share Image
“He didn’t spend time on niceties like saying hello. He answered the phone with, “Have you changed your mind about Thor?” “Um… — Kevin Hearne Copy Share Image
Wisdom eludes me yet, but foolishness I captured long ago and to this day it is my constant companion, though many people… — Kevin Hearne Companion Copy Share Image
“[...] we are on the payrolls of two dozen different companies as consultants, but we do absolutely nothing for our paychecks, just… — Kevin Hearne Humor Copy Share Image
“Helgarson won’t tell me, but it must have been bad. His fangs pop out if you just say ‘Thor’ aloud, and he… — Kevin Hearne Copy Share Image
“You know how people are always threatenin' to shove this or that up someone's ass, but they never really do it? Well,… — Kevin Hearne Fallen angel Copy Share Image
I yawned and stretched luxuriously in the morning. I make noises when I stretch because it feels ten times better than stretching… — Kevin Hearne Copy Share Image
“There were times when I was blown away by the virgin beauty of the land. Kind of like that guy who lost… — Kevin Hearne Beautiful Copy Share Image
“I am often reminded how a small fire underneath a vast sky can bind people together like nothing else. For all that… — Kevin Hearne Circumstance Copy Share Image
“No. See, when you throw up you're vomiting, but when you throw down you're starting a fight, as in throwing down the… — Kevin Hearne Copy Share Image
“It's all Irish politics." Hal looked at me sharply and shook a finger in my face. "That's bloody dangerous, getting involved in… — Kevin Hearne Politics Copy Share Image
“I'd have to ask Oberon to leave him a present on his front doorstep. He'd do it camouflaged too, so that even… — Kevin Hearne Copy Share Image
“Drug addicts perplex me. They're a relatively recent development, historically speaking. Everyone has their theories - monotheists like to blame it on… — Kevin Hearne Addicts Copy Share Image
The widow’s eyebrows raised. “Ye’ve got all these nasty pooches to run around with and ye still might die?” “I’m going to… — Kevin Hearne Copy Share Image
“I see. And who is this author?” “Neil Fucking Gaiman.” “His second name is Fucking?” “No, Leif, that’s the honorary second name… — Kevin Hearne Books Copy Share Image
“I thought for the longest time that chicken-fried steak was steak that had been fried by specially trained chickens,” — Kevin Hearne Food Copy Share Image
“Oberon Atticus "Gods below, I think you're right. Quick, to the Geekmobile!” — Kevin Hearne Copy Share Image
“Dude. If that was a Shakespearean quote duel, he just kicked your ass.” — Kevin Hearne Copy Share Image
She switched from ecstasy to embarrassment at about Mach five. — Kevin Hearne Ecstasy Copy Share Image
“Silly cop, I don't need your help; I have a werewolf on retainer.” — Kevin Hearne Humor Copy Share Image
“Hopefully next time I won't be recovering from an assassination attempt, and then I'll do better.” — Kevin Hearne Assassination Copy Share Image
“That wasn't English she was speaking: it was the language of diplomacy.” — Kevin Hearne Diplomacy Copy Share Image
“But this is going to be difficult enough without running my words through a filter of illiteracy.” — Kevin Hearne Copy Share Image
“I hope that if I ever travel two thousand years into the future, there will still be bacon.” — Kevin Hearne Bacon Copy Share Image
“We should make a pit trap with spikes in the bottom. You make the pit and I’ll make the spikes.” — Kevin Hearne Copy Share Image
“Don’t hate the Meat Lord, Atticus. Just offer him steak sauce and words of praise.” — Kevin Hearne Copy Share Image
“Well, look at the bright side, Granuaile. Emo Douche Bags would be a great band name.” ” — Kevin Hearne Copy Share Image
I'm not a proper anything. Majoring in philosophy kind of turns positive assertions into maybes. — Kevin Hearne Copy Share Image
![“[...] we are on the payrolls of two dozen different companies as consultants, but we do absolutely nothing for our paychecks, just like normal consultants.” quote by Kevin Hearne](https://sms4smile.com/q/img-quotes/10b/kevin-hearne-991_humor_we-are-on-the-payrolls-of-two-dozen-diff_1784290.jpg)
