His motto is "Love Thy Neighbor". His neighbor is an 18 year old hooker. — Henny Youngman Funny Copy Share Image
Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport. — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
A Polish guy locked his keys in the car. It took an hour to get his wife out. — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
Nurse: "Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office".… — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, "Huh. I… — Henny Youngman Drunk Copy Share Image
If, as the scientist say, sex is such a driving force, why is so much of it nowadays found parked? — Henny Youngman Driving Copy Share Image
My wife lost all her credit cards, but I'm not going to report it. Whoever found them spends less than she does! — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
I went out with a girl last night. She wasn't a Lana Turner. She was more of a stomach turner. — Henny Youngman Girl Copy Share Image
My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first! — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me. — Henny Youngman Anniversary Copy Share Image
I've got enough money to last the rest of my life ... as long as I die about four o'clock this afternoon. — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can… — Henny Youngman Dollars Copy Share Image
If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late. — Henny Youngman Funny Copy Share Image
A baby-sitter is a teenager who gets two dollars an hour to eat five dollars' worth of your food. — Henny Youngman Baby Copy Share Image
Payday at my house is like the Academy Awards. My wife says: May I have the envelope please. — Henny Youngman Academy Copy Share Image
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once... You know what I did before I married?… — Henny Youngman Birthday Copy Share Image
A Polish man in a helicopter. Goes up to 800 feet. Down it comes! What happened? "It got chilly up there, so… — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
Hollywood called me, asking me, "How much to do a movie with Farrah Fawcett?" "$50,000" They called back, "How about $20,000?" I… — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
I'll tell you how to beat the gambling in Las Vegas. When you get off the airplane, walk right into the propeller. — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all. — Henny Youngman Comedy Copy Share Image
We were married for better or worse. I couldn't have done better, and she couldn't have done worse. — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
“I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. - Henny… — Henny Youngman Medicine Copy Share Image
I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He… — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
My brother-in-law had to give up his last job because of illness. His boss became sick of him. — Henny Youngman Boss Copy Share Image
When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife. My wife dresses… — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
The doctor says to the patient, "Take your clothes off and stick your tongue out the window". "What will that do" asks… — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
I was walking down the street, and I found a man's hand in my pocket. I asked, "What do you want?" "A… — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
“When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win. -Henny Youngman, comedian and violinist (1906-1998)” — Henny Youngman Conscience Copy Share Image
Two kangaroos were talking to each other, and one said, 'I hope it doesn't rain today. I hate it when the children… — Henny Youngman Animal Copy Share Image
My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but can she climb a tree. — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
