My wife has a keen sense of humor. The more I humor her, the better. — Henny Youngman Humor Copy Share Image
My best friend ran away with my wife, and let me tell you, I miss him. — Henny Youngman Best friend Copy Share Image
She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face. — Henny Youngman Marriage Copy Share Image
During the war an Italian girl saved my life. She hid me in her basement in Cleveland. — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
Three weeks ago, she learned how to drive. Last week she learned how to aim it. — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me… — Henny Youngman Clubs Copy Share Image
I said to my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?' She said, 'I want to go somewhere I've… — Henny Youngman Anniversary Copy Share Image
Doctor says to a man, "You're pregnant!" The man says, "How does a man get pregnant?" The doctor says, "The usual way… — Henny Youngman Dinner Copy Share Image
My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself. — Henny Youngman Army Copy Share Image
A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's… — Henny Youngman Beer Copy Share Image
A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living." — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
In a blackout, a Polish man was stuck on an escalator for two hours. I asked him, "Why didn't you walk down?"… — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
A Jewish woman had 2 chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help… — Henny Youngman Chicken soup Copy Share Image
Some people play a horse to win, some to place. I should have bet this horse to live. — Henny Youngman Comedy Copy Share Image
A Polish terrorist was sent to blow up a car. He burned his mouth on the exhaust pipe! — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
Zsa Zsa Gabor is an expert housekeeper. Every time she gets divorced, she keeps the house. — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch turns to a muffler. — Henny Youngman Funny Copy Share Image
It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer. — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
“When I read about the dangers of drinking, I gave up reading” — Henny Youngman Books Copy Share Image
My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator. — Henny Youngman Escalator Copy Share Image
Anybody who thinks talk is cheap has never argued with a traffic cop. — Henny Youngman Communication Copy Share Image
I'll never forget my first words in the theatre. "Peanuts. Popcorn." — Henny Youngman Comedy Copy Share Image
In elementary school, many a true word is spoken in guess. — Henny Youngman Education Copy Share Image
He had a defect, which to a comic might be fatal. He wasn't funny. — Henny Youngman Comedy Copy Share Image
My brother then bought 1000 Japanese cameras. They all go, "Crick". — Henny Youngman Brother Copy Share Image
How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2.' — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
