This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number. — Henny Youngman Elegant Copy Share Image
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
I know what I'm giving up for Lent: my New Year's resolutions. — Henny Youngman Giving Copy Share Image
The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip. — Henny Youngman Horse Copy Share Image
My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea. — Henny Youngman Funny marriage Copy Share Image
My wife is a light eater. As soon as it's light, she starts to eat. — Henny Youngman Dieting Copy Share Image
A Polish man bought a zebra for a pet. What does he call the zebra? Spot! — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
My wife loves to shop at Bloomingdale's. I bring her mail there twice a week. — Henny Youngman Funny Copy Share Image
I wanted to do something nice so I bought my mother-in-law a chair. Now they won't let me plug it in. — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
I have a lovely room and bath in the hotel. It's a little inconvenient, they're in two separate buildings! — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
A woman was taking a shower. There is a knock on the door. Who is it? Blind man! The woman opens the… — Henny Youngman Blind Copy Share Image
A Polish man had a bandage on each ear. What happened? "I was ironing, and the phone rang!" "What about the other… — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says, "That's… — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
Farrah's dressing room was next to mine. There was a little hole in the wall. I let her look. — Henny Youngman Dressing room Copy Share Image
“My grandmother is over eighty and she still doesn’t need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.” — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
I came home, the car was in the dining room. "How did you get the car in here?" "Easy, I took a… — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student. — Henny Youngman Education Copy Share Image
I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him. — Henny Youngman Horse Copy Share Image
I know a man in Ft. Worth with 100,000 head of cattle. No bodies, just heads. — Henny Youngman Body Copy Share Image
The patient says, "Doctor, it hurts when I do this." "Then don't do that!" — Henny Youngman Doctors Copy Share Image
That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position! — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out. — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?" The doctor says, "Limp! — Henny Youngman Doctors Copy Share Image
When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays. — Henny Youngman Doctor Copy Share Image
This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated! — Henny Youngman Animal Copy Share Image
All my wife does is shop - once she was sick for a week, and three stores went under. — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
Have I got a mother-in-law. She's so neat she puts paper under the cuckoo clock. — Henny Youngman Clock Copy Share Image
There is no spark like the one ignited under the aspirations of a new graduate. — Henny Youngman Aspiration Copy Share Image
