I told my mother-in-law my house is your house. So she sold it. — Henny Youngman Home Copy Share Image
Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible. — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
When I go to a restaurant I always ask the manager, "Give me a table near a waiter." — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
I went to the bank and reviewed my savings, I found out I have all the money I'll ever need. If I… — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
My wife is the sweetest, most tolerant, most beautiful woman in the world. This is a paid political announcement. — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
I call my lawyer and say, 'Can I ask you two questions?' He says, 'What's the second question?' — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
Two Polish men at Halloween with burned faces. What happened? They were bobbing for french fries. — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
I was just in London - there is a 6 hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I… — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
A woman says to a man, "I haven't seen you around here." "Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my… — Henny Youngman Funny Copy Share Image
Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
My horse's jockey was hitting the horse. The horse turns around and says "Why are you hitting me, there is nobody behind… — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
In high school football, the coach kept me on the bench all year. On the last game of the season, the crowd… — Henny Youngman Benches Copy Share Image
A guy says, I'm so old that I forgot how old I am. An old woman says, I'll tell you how old… — Henny Youngman Clothes Copy Share Image
I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of dirt. I swung again, missed the ball,… — Henny Youngman Ants Copy Share Image
A priest is sent to Alaska. A bishop goes up to visit one year later. The bishop asks, How do you like… — Henny Youngman Alaska Copy Share Image
A man goes to a barbershop and asks, How many ahead of me? Five. The man leaves. He comes back the next… — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
A tough guy told me, "I'll bet you $10 you're dead." I was afraid to bet him. — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous. — Henny Youngman Couple Copy Share Image
I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of. — Henny Youngman Brother Copy Share Image
She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. — Henny Youngman Beauty Copy Share Image
She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" "No, jump in!" — Henny Youngman Funny Copy Share Image
I bought my wife a little Italian car. A Mafia. It has a hood under the hood. — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
