I love Christmas. I receive a lot of wonderful presents I can't wait to exchange. — Henny Youngman Christmas Copy Share Image
I bet on a horse at ten-to-one. It didn't come in until half-past five. — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
If a joke is too hard to visualize, I tell the young comics, then what the hell good is it? — Henny Youngman Comics Copy Share Image
While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake. — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
Someone stole all my credit cards, but I wont be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did. — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!" — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
2 Jewish women in New York. One says, "Do you see what's going on in Poland?" The other says, "I live in… — Henny Youngman Funny Copy Share Image
The hitter asks the owner to give him a big raise so he can go somewhere he's never been, and the owner… — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
I know a guy who had his doctor say, "Take some weight off, go to a health club." The man lost 20… — Henny Youngman Clubs Copy Share Image
A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months. — Henny Youngman Medicine Copy Share Image
Last night I ordered a whole meal in French. Even the waiter was amazed - it was a Chinese restaurant! — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
2 Guys in a health club, one is putting on pantyhose. "Since when do you wear pantyhose?" "Since my wife found it… — Henny Youngman Clubs Copy Share Image
This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest. — Henny Youngman Chicago Copy Share Image
Why does the New Italian navy have glass bottom boats? To see the Old Italian Navy! — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
She must have Egyptian blood. Every time I try to kiss her she says, "Tut, Tut!" — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays. — Henny Youngman Atheist Copy Share Image
I know a man who is a diamond cutter. He mows the lawn at Yankee Stadium. — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
A man goes to a psychiatrist. "Nobody listens to me!" The doctor says, "Next!" — Henny Youngman Communication Copy Share Image
“I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.” — Henny Youngman Humor Copy Share Image
I'm offended by political jokes. Too often they get elected. — Henny Youngman Comedy Copy Share Image
My horse was so late getting home, he tiptoed into the stable. — Henny Youngman Funny Copy Share Image
I don't believe in reincarnation, but what were you when you were alive? — Henny Youngman Alive Copy Share Image
A motel is where you give up good dollars for bad quarters. — Henny Youngman Dollars Copy Share Image
I've got two wonderful children - and two out of five isn't too bad. — Henny Youngman Children Copy Share Image
I have terrible luck. Last week my chauffeur ran off without my wife. — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
All men are not homeless, but some men are home less than others. — Henny Youngman Greatness Copy Share Image
I own a hundred and fifty books, but I have no bookcase. Nobody will lend me a bookcase. — Henny Youngman Book Copy Share Image
The Doctor says, "You'll live to be 60!" "I AM 60!" "See, what did I tell you?" — Henny Youngman Doctor Copy Share Image
