Ends Quote by Tommy Cooper

It doesn't matter how many times the audience has heard it before. If it's funny, it's funny.

— Tommy Cooper

“Two blondes walk into a building. You'd think at least one of them would have seen it.”

— Tommy Cooper

Last night I slept like a log. I woke up in the fire place.

— Tommy Cooper

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed,…

— Tommy Cooper

I inherited a painting and a violin which turned out to be a Rembrandt and a Stradivarius. Unfortunately, Rembrandt made lousy violins and Stradivarius…

— Tommy Cooper

Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone.

— Tommy Cooper

I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.

— Tommy Cooper

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

— Tommy Cooper

Gambling has brought our family together. We had to move to a smaller house.

— Tommy Cooper

And an airplane of spittle dived into the sea, there were no salivas.

— Tommy Cooper

He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library. I thought, "That's…

— Tommy Cooper

My wife said, 'Take me in your arms and whisper something soft and sweet.' I said, 'chocolate fudge.'

— Tommy Cooper