Change Quote by Lundy Bancroft
““The salient point about remorse, however, is that it matters little whether it is genuine or not. Clients who get very sorry after acts of abuse change at about the same rate as the ones who don't. The most regretful are sometimes the most self-centered, lamenting above all the injury they've done to their own self-image. They feel ashamed of having behaved like cruel dictators and want to revert quickly to the role of benign dictators, as if that somehow makes them much better people.””
About This Quote
Source Book: “The New Handbook for Couples” by Lundy Bancroft, 2002
Remorse after abusive behavior often lacks genuine change; regret can be self‑serving and aimed at preserving self‑image rather than true transformation.
In simple terms: Apology without real change is often selfish.
Key Takeaway
Seek authentic growth, not just feeling sorry.
Themes
abuse
remorse
self‑image
change
psychology
Mood
reflective
critical
serious
Type
advice
psychological
When to use this quote
- therapy sessions
- relationship counseling
- self‑reflection
- accountability groups
Key Concepts
Narcissism
cognitive dissonance
empathy deficit
Questions to Reflect On
- What actions demonstrate true change?
- How can one differentiate sincere remorse from self‑preservation?
A Different Perspective
Genuine change requires more than words; it demands sustained behavioral shift.
![“The critical question about regret is whether experience led to growth and new learning. Some people seem to keep on making the same mistakes, while others at least make new ones. Regret and remorse can be either paralyzing or inspiring. [p. 199]” quote by Mary Catherine Bateson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/img-quotes/72f/mary-catherine-bateson-11582_critical_the-critical-question-about-regret-is-wh_20978.jpg)
