Customer service Quote by Kevin Hearne

Whoa. He had ghouls on speed dial. My lawyer kicks so much ass.

— Kevin Hearne

“I bet it’s a universal truth: You eat your pie or go home.”

— Kevin Hearne

“Like many silly codes of bravery and manliness, the meat of my father’s instruction on how to die well can be distilled to a…

— Kevin Hearne

Wow you need to get some sun.” “Shut up. I'm Irish.

— Kevin Hearne

“Hence the reason I encourage you to believe what you wish. The heaven of teh Pastafarians is supposed to have beer volcanoes, which sounds…

— Kevin Hearne

Awesome! I'd just bullied Jesus into doing a shot with me. Nobody would ever believe it, but I didn't care. We ordered the insanely…

— Kevin Hearne

“I thought for the longest time that chicken-fried steak was steak that had been fried by specially trained chickens,”

— Kevin Hearne

When he said to give him the sword, I don’t think he meant for you to stick it in his guts.

— Kevin Hearne

“Oh sweet kraken tits.”

— Kevin Hearne

“No. See, when you throw up you're vomiting, but when you throw down you're starting a fight, as in throwing down the gauntlet." "Ohhhh,"…

— Kevin Hearne

“The grin on his face wasn’t the affable, friendly sort; instead, it was the sociopathic rictus of the irretrievably, bug-fuckeringly insane”

— Kevin Hearne

“What sealed the deal for me was that the cloak wouldn't come off without a generous donation of my tears. Those used to be…

— Kevin Hearne