Cake Quote by Jimmy Fallon

I'm not running for the U.S. Senate because I think Lincoln Chafee is a bad man.

— Sheldon Whitehouse

As a governor and senator, John Chafee set the standard for honesty and decency that the rest of us on our best days could…

— John McCain

In a new poll of Democratic voters, presidential candidate Lincoln Chafee came in with zero percent support. Or in other words: We're all tied…

— Jimmy Fallon

Texas senator and tea party favorite Ted Cruz announced he's running for president. He pledged to lead America boldly forward into the 1950s.

— Conan O'Brien

Senator [Stephen] Douglas is of world-wide renown. All the anxious politicians of his party, or who have been of his party for years past,…

— Abraham Lincoln

“Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job. —Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker’s Guide…

— Oliver Benjamin

Howard Phillips of the Constitution Party asked me to consider seriously running for president in 2008 and I am doing so.

— Jerome Corsi

Ohio Governor John Kasich became the 16th Republican to announce that he is running for president. During his speech he referred to Jesus Christ,…

— Jimmy Fallon

Ralph Nader choose the man with whom to share the responsibility of running a distant third, California activist Peter Camejo. You may remember that…

— Jon Stewart

Marco Rubio announced he's running for president. Fun fact: Marco Rubio's wife is a former Miami Dolphins cheerleader. In other words, she knows how…

— Conan O'Brien

I will vote for the first candidate who promises to use nuclear missiles against LinkedIn.

— Dave Barry

Arnold Schwarzenegger announced that he is going to run for governor on our program last night. My staff didn't know, Arnold's staff didn't know,…

— Jay Leno