Best Milton Berle Sayings
- Valentine's Day is like Armistice Day - you declare a truce. Armistice
- Valentine's Day is the day when you remember that Cupid was a lousy shot. Cupid
- At Christmas you can get real bargains. I saw one item marked down ten dollars. It was a yacht. Bargains
- At the Christmas party, the secretary with the long red hair ate three pickles, and four salesmen panicked. Ate
- Do you want to feel insecure? Count the number of Christmas cards you sent out, and then count those you received. Cards
- Every year my boss used to give me a bottle of expensive brandy because I'd told him that my doctor suggested a drink once in… Boss
- For Christmas the just came out with a battery-operated battery. But the batteries aren't included. Batteries
- I bought a Christmas tree for twenty dollars. When I came home the next day, my wife was wearing it in her hair. Bought
- I bought an ideal gift for my mother-in-law - a battery-operated mouth. Batteries
- I bought my kid an educational toy to help him make it through life. No matter how you put it together, it's wrong. Bought
- I bought my mother-in-law a beautiful chair for Christmas, but she won't let me plug it in. Beautiful
- I bought my son a bat for Christmas. On New Year's it flew away. Bat
- I bought my son an indestructible toy. Yesterday he left it in the driveway. It broke my car. Bought
- I gave my wife a gift certificate for Christmas. She ran out to exchange it for a bigger size. Bigger
- I gave my wife a twenty-five-dollar gift certificate. She used it as a down payment on a mink coat. Certificate
- I just bought a great gift for my boss - a leaky ant farm. Ant
- I made a terrible mistake last Christmas. My wife made me swear that I wouldn't give her a fancy gift. And I didn't. Christmas
- I wanted to get the guy who works next to me in the office something he really wants, but how do you wrap up a… Christmas
- I was in a department store and I saw a weird-looking gadget. I asked the young saleslady what it was. She answered, "It doesn't do… Answered
- In the suburbs it's hard to buy your Christmas gifts early in the year. You never know who your friends will be in December. Buy
- It's always consoling to know that today's Christmas gifts are tomorrow's garage sales. Always Consoling
- My sister-in-law found a real surprise in her stockings - my brother. Brother
- My son asked for very little - a kickstand, with a motorcycle attached. Asked
- My son gave me a nice bottle of cologne - Eau de Owe. Bottle
- My wife and I were shopping for the whole family. In the music department my wife said, "Let's get your nephew a set of drums.… Brother