Michelle Wolf

You know how I know I'm white? I can cry myself out of a parking ticket.

— Michelle Wolf

Taking a night off from comedy to go on a date with someone I'm probably not going to like anyway sounds like…

— Michelle Wolf

Honestly, I never really thought I'd be a comedian. But I did take an aptitude test in seventh grade - and this…

— Michelle Wolf

I'm a standard overachiever.

— Michelle Wolf

I would love to be a dad. There are plenty of comedians who have kids. But they're dads. Being a dad is…

— Michelle Wolf

Watching Rachel Maddow is like going to Target. You went in for milk, but you left with shampoo, candles, and the entire…

— Michelle Wolf

I did so many open mics. I would write jokes on Twitter constantly, and then slowly, over time, open mics turned into…

— Michelle Wolf

It's one thing to be funny in a tweet. It is another to be funny for an hour.

— Michelle Wolf

The most useful information on CNN is when Anthony Bourdain tells me where to eat noodles.

— Michelle Wolf

I got a third-degree ankle sprain practicing long jump. I never fully recovered. That was my first heartbreak. I thought track was…

— Michelle Wolf

That's why we should respect people: not for how pretty they are, for how useful they are. What would you rather have,…

— Michelle Wolf

The thing that's frustrating about improv is that even if you have the best show in the world, it's over when it's…

— Michelle Wolf

When I'm on the road, I eat like I'm on the third day of a hiking trip all the time. I'm eating…

— Michelle Wolf

If you are willing to say something about someone, you should be willing to say it on Twitter, to their face, whatever.

— Michelle Wolf

You don't get to choose your voice! I was never like, 'Oh, I'll take the voice that causes dogs to gather outside.'

— Michelle Wolf

Mike Pence is the kind of guy that brushes his teeth and then drinks orange juice and thinks, 'Mmm.'

— Michelle Wolf

Before stand-up, I'm not sure I even had a point of view.

— Michelle Wolf

People can be successful for a short period of time, but only a handful of people are successful for decades.

— Michelle Wolf

The more confident I am, the more daring I am.

— Michelle Wolf

It's important for people to, instead of automatically assuming everything the opposite side says is incorrect, you have to at least listen…

— Michelle Wolf

It's hard to make a joke out of someone that's a joke.

— Michelle Wolf

I'm so lucky that I found comedy and that I get to do it for a living.

— Michelle Wolf

I'm very quiet off stage. I think I'm a pretty boring person. I'm not super talkative; I spend a lot of my…

— Michelle Wolf

Before comedy, I worked at a tech company, and before that, I worked on Wall Street. And, honestly, I've never really been…

— Michelle Wolf

I was a kinesiology major in college, which is exercise science. Then, I was either going to get my Ph.D. or go…

— Michelle Wolf