I did so many open mics. I would write jokes on Twitter constantly, and then slowly, over time, open mics turned into… — Michelle Wolf Copy Share Image
When I'm on the road, I eat like I'm on the third day of a hiking trip all the time. I'm eating… — Michelle Wolf Copy Share Image
People can be successful for a short period of time, but only a handful of people are successful for decades. — Michelle Wolf Copy Share Image
I'm very quiet off stage. I think I'm a pretty boring person. I'm not super talkative; I spend a lot of my… — Michelle Wolf Copy Share Image
I've been lucky enough to do a lot of very interesting things, and every time, I've been like, 'I want to put… — Michelle Wolf Copy Share Image
I straighten my hair very few times throughout the year, and it's only in the cold winter months because it's the only… — Michelle Wolf Copy Share Image
There is only so many times you can say, 'Trump tweeted something that was bad.' That is not a joke to me. — Michelle Wolf Copy Share Image
You know how I know I'm white? I can cry myself out of a parking ticket. — Michelle Wolf Copy Share Image
Taking a night off from comedy to go on a date with someone I'm probably not going to like anyway sounds like the worst… — Michelle Wolf Copy Share Image
Honestly, I never really thought I'd be a comedian. But I did take an aptitude test in seventh grade - and this is 100… — Michelle Wolf Copy Share Image
I would love to be a dad. There are plenty of comedians who have kids. But they're dads. Being a dad is so different… — Michelle Wolf Copy Share Image
Watching Rachel Maddow is like going to Target. You went in for milk, but you left with shampoo, candles, and the entire history of… — Michelle Wolf Copy Share Image
I did so many open mics. I would write jokes on Twitter constantly, and then slowly, over time, open mics turned into shows. If… — Michelle Wolf Copy Share Image
It's one thing to be funny in a tweet. It is another to be funny for an hour. — Michelle Wolf Copy Share Image
The most useful information on CNN is when Anthony Bourdain tells me where to eat noodles. — Michelle Wolf Copy Share Image
I got a third-degree ankle sprain practicing long jump. I never fully recovered. That was my first heartbreak. I thought track was going to… — Michelle Wolf Copy Share Image
That's why we should respect people: not for how pretty they are, for how useful they are. What would you rather have, a pretty… — Michelle Wolf Copy Share Image
The thing that's frustrating about improv is that even if you have the best show in the world, it's over when it's over. You… — Michelle Wolf Copy Share Image
