All Mark Twain Quotes
- A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain. Banker
- There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesale returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact. Conjecture
- Plain question and plain answer make the shortest road out of most perplexities. Answer
- If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed. Funny
- Unconsciously we all have a standard by which we measure other men, and if we examine closely we find that this standard is a very… Admire
- He said that man’s heart was the only bad heart in the animal kingdom; that man was the only animal capable of feeling malice, envy,… Animal
- there was no crime in unconscious plagiarism; that I committed it everyday, that he committed it everyday, that every man alive on earth who writes… Alive
- the size of a misfortune is not determinable by an outsider’s measurement of it but only by the measurements applied to it by the person… Affected
- What is Man? Man is a noisome bacillus whom Our Heavenly Father created because he was disappointed in the monkey. Bacillus
- In religion and politics people’s beliefs and convictions are in almost every case gotten at second-hand, and without examination, from authorities who have not themselves… Almost Every
- To be, or not to be; that is the bare bodkin That makes calamity of so long life; Bare
- It is sound judgment to put on a bold face and play your hand for a hundred times what it is worth; forty-nine times out… Bold
- I take my only exercise acting as a pallbearer at the funerals of my friends who exercise regularly. Acting
- Of all the animals, man is the only one that is cruel. He is the only one that inflicts pain for the pleasure of doing… All
- The trouble is not in dying for a friend, but in finding a friend worth dying for. Dying
- You have heretofore found out, by my teachings, that man is a fool; you are now aware that woman is a damned fool. Aware
- Ignorant people think it is the noise which fighting cats make that is so aggravating, but it ain't so; it is the sickening grammar that… Aggravating
- Whiskey is for drinking; water is for fighting over. Drinking
- Wheresoever she was, there was Eden. Eden
- Thou shalt not commit adultry is a command which makes no distinction between the following persons. They are all required to obey it: children at… Adults
- Man has imagined a heaven, and has left entirely out of it the supremest of all his delights...sexual intercourse!...His heaven is like himself: strange, interesting,… Actually Values
- If everyone was satisfied with himself, there would be no heroes. Everyone
- Adam was but human—this explains it all. He did not want the apple for the apple's sake, he wanted it only because it was forbidden.… Adam
- Many public-school children seem to know only two dates—1492 and 4th of July; and as a rule they don't know what happened on either occasion. Children
- But I reckon I got to light out for the Territory ahead of therest, because Aunt Sally she's going to adopt me and sivilize me,… Adopt