“My ex girlfriend was exquisite, and my current one is quisite.” — Jarod Kintz Ex girlfriend Copy Share Image
“I have a fist like a brick, but I don’t punch through walls—I build them and become them. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“To live up to its name, softball should be played with a human testicle.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Music is inaudible to deaf people, just as dancing is invisible to me.” — Jarod Kintz Dance Copy Share Image
“If I hung out with my clones all the time, would I be introverted or extroverted?” — Jarod Kintz Clones Copy Share Image
“I've been trying to start a garage band for over a decade now, but father won't move his car.” — Jarod Kintz Father Copy Share Image
“We can be anything we want to be in this life. And I’d like to be you. But there can’t be two… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Instead of a Lemonade Stand, I should open up a “You know what I can’t stand?” Stand. I’ll sell rants in small,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I don’t need your sympathy, unless it comes in the form of a check or cash. I also accept money orders.” — Jarod Kintz Money Copy Share Image
“I can’t stand people who constantly try to cut you down. Never again will I try networking at a lumberjack convention.” — Jarod Kintz Hate Copy Share Image
“If there were a speedometer that went from 0-1, that’d measure how fast I fell in love with you. ” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“The internet's a great way to meet people. You never really know someone until you see their fake profile.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Crying about the economy is a strategy. It won’t get you a job, but it will keep Kleenex in business.” — Jarod Kintz Business Copy Share Image
“My father says I have a knack for business. And he should know, because he’s been bankrupt several times.” — Jarod Kintz Business Copy Share Image
“Pain produces progress. So if you truly love me, you will try to hurt me as much as you can. If you… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I wanted to sip my daily Starbucks coffee as I got to work early (no later than 11:00 am), have a late… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If you asked me if I’d rather make love to you, or have my balls cut out with the spine of a… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Ever since the day I came out of the womb, I’ve had impeccable timing. For example, I somehow managed to be born… — Jarod Kintz Birthday Copy Share Image
“A sample may taste better than the whole, because it’s meant for a taste test, which is perceptually expected to garner favorable… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“My last name comes after my first name, but it came before my first name, and it’ll be around after my first… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I made a t-shirt that says, "Today's my birthday" on it, so that I can ask for hugs from strangers and point… — Jarod Kintz Birthday Copy Share Image
“You can tell a lot about a person's character by how they do life's menial tasks. For example, I saw my neighbor… — Jarod Kintz Character Copy Share Image
“I smiled, and you winked. I think. Perhaps you merely blink with one eye at a time.” — Jarod Kintz Time Copy Share Image
“Sitting down never feels so great as after standing for eight hours on someone’s testicles.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I went on a road trip with my cat, Cap’n. I would have let him drive, but he was drunk.” — Jarod Kintz Drunk Copy Share Image
“I’m at the top of my game. And that game is Monopoly. I’m standing on the board right now.” — Jarod Kintz Monopoly Copy Share Image
“My office window overlooks a parking lot. I’ve got the best view on the whole submarine.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I try to put myself in another man’s shoes. Or a woman’s, if she has large enough feet.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Toilet bowl basins need to be deeper, because every time I sit down my penis clogs the pipe.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“After I’m dead, I want to ghostwrite my autobiography.” — Jarod Kintz Autobiography Copy Share Image
“I’m the Robert the Bruce of Bruces. I’m also the Robert the Bruce of Roberts. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Fear is like a car. Either you control it, or you let it paralyze you.” — Jarod Kintz Fear Copy Share Image
“I’ll take away your disillusionment, and replace it with an illusion.” — Jarod Kintz Disillusionment Copy Share Image
“I am the William Wallace of love. Wait, no I’m not, I’m the Robert the Bruce.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The fastest way for me to achieve self-improvement is with The Opponent Apparatus (my clone).” — Jarod Kintz Clone Copy Share Image
