“I always like to see people working. Makes me feel good because I’m not.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to help you keep your job. Just hold it down, man. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love is as old as time, though it is considerably more difficult to stuff inside a watch.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Not only did I not join, but now I can’t quit. I’m a nonmember for life.” — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“I found panties in the chimney, and they’re not mine. They must belong to a fire crotch.” — Jarod Kintz Chimney Copy Share Image
“I ate a half a cookie, but not because I wanted to. I ate it out of necessity.” — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
“A porcupine has fur like a fence. That makes it a good neighbor unto itself.” — Jarod Kintz Animal Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to encourage trees to grow fruitful things like money. If money grew on trees, then I’d get… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A Kiss is a terrible name for a piece of chocolate shaped like a water droplet, because kisses are hot and would… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Pillow talk always puts me to sleep. I’d rather chat about bed sheets, which can be converted into capes.” — Jarod Kintz Bed sheets Copy Share Image
“I would be up for a sail, but my boat is up for sale. I think I’m going to stay inside and… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“In my laboratory, I use science to measure love. Whatever you do, don’t drink out of beaker number two.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Question for your life: If love covered as much of the earth’s surface as the oceans, would you still urinate in your… — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“I used to swim and dream of having a few Olympic gold medals to my name. But that’s out of the question… — Jarod Kintz Dreams Copy Share Image
“I don’t want to rail against modern railroad barons, because this is America, and I believe that I too will one day… — Jarod Kintz Money Copy Share Image
“I live 30 times faster and more intensely than most people, so every year is a whole generation for me. I’d like… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket would be a great surface to print my new book on, so you could read it in bed while you’re… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The house I grew up in is one of a kind. It’s a bibliophile’s fantasy, and if the Library of Congress had… — Jarod Kintz Bibliophile Copy Share Image
“I sometimes lie awake at night wishing I had all the answers. But I guess only God has all of them, while… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I have to put up a wall to put up with him. Not an invisible, metaphoric emotional wall, but a wall made… — Jarod Kintz Wall Copy Share Image
“I don’t just have one mustache, I have two. You can hardly notice them, though, because I wear them in place of… — Jarod Kintz Hair Copy Share Image
“Whether you’re a Democrat or a Republican, I think everybody can agree that politicians are crooks. But I don’t think politicians are… — Jarod Kintz Politicians Copy Share Image
“Yes, he was Chinese, but Chew wasn't only his last name, it was also his first. And I found this strange considering… — Jarod Kintz Fitness Copy Share Image
“Do not stick your dick in your car’s exhaust pipe. Instead, fuck your neighbor’s motorcycle.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I put you on the map, and I can fold you up and stuff you in the glove compartment too.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I just made ice cream. Accidentally. I made regular cream, and then winter kicked in.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My life outlook isn’t cloudy. That’s just the weather report for the rest of my life.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“God ordered the world and all things in it, and I ordered a pizza and all things on it.” — Jarod Kintz God Copy Share Image
“Like a vibrator bolted on a bulldozer, I’m a regular sex machine.” — Jarod Kintz Computers Copy Share Image
“I wish success could be ordered like delivery pizza, because I’d order take out.” — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
“I didn’t want to go, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t want to be invited.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Do you find it erotic how my pants bulge in the crotch, where I keep my coffee cup?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My subconscious is like the ocean, only deeper and less polluted.” — Jarod Kintz Ocean Copy Share Image
“If something earthly reminds you of something ethereal, then it must be love.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I fill my life with speech, but not with people who are truly listening.” — Jarod Kintz Communication Copy Share Image
“I am my own tornado. Instead of panicking, I run in circles and scream.” — Jarod Kintz Tornado Copy Share Image
