“I peed in the sink. Why? Because there was already someone in the shower.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Clone One’s last name will be Martz. Clone Two I’ll call Martinez.” — Jarod Kintz Clone Copy Share Image
“Like the ocean I wave. Hello and goodbye are the same, when I talk with my hand.” — Jarod Kintz Ocean wave Copy Share Image
“I always thought I’d make a great backup singer. I don’t practice. It’s just pure talent.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Is your bed big enough? Because if it is, I can always join you and crowd it up a bit.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“There were only two of us left for dinner, and that’s when I realized what I was: leftovers.” — Jarod Kintz Dinner Copy Share Image
“Women are called the fairer sex. Are they just not as tan, or are they actually more reasonable?” — Jarod Kintz Fairer Copy Share Image
“There are lots of great ideas in my book, but as a cohesive unit, my book is only held together with glue… — Jarod Kintz Book Copy Share Image
“Man is somewhere in between God and animal. Jarod is somewhere in between Jar and Jason. (One of which I keep chained… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The four legs of the chair never move, but what if the chair could run as fast as a cheetah? That would… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Blankets could be used to identify liars and thieves, if lawmakers passed laws stating that lawmakers were required by law to wear… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“To wipe her off my mind, I wiped my ass. I felt so free after that I took a shit, just to… — Jarod Kintz Psychology Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to remind me of her. I mean everything else reminds me of her, so why not a… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m too busy to chew. That’s why I blend all my meals into smoothies, and I make love as slowly as ice… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I was laughing in the park, when I saw some fool throwing what I thought was a bomb. It turned out to… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If you’re wearing a space suit, I’ll take a unicrescent sandwich; hold the mayonnaise—and the moon. (But don’t hold it in your… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to make people smile. But the blanket won’t make just anyone smile—it will make people with no… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I went on a blind date last night. We watched a silent film. We stayed up all night talking in sign language.… — Jarod Kintz Blind date Copy Share Image
“Republicans don’t stand for the beliefs of the right, and Democrats don’t stand for the principles of the left. They each stand… — Jarod Kintz Children Copy Share Image
“The moon is an orbital albino, and it gets tons of sunlight, so I propose Operation Sunscreen, where astronauts coat the surface… — Jarod Kintz Space Copy Share Image
“I have assigned myself a Hooray Factor of five. This is the top level, and is the only level that has a… — Jarod Kintz Reflection In The Mirror Copy Share Image
“I am a rebel! But I don’t want people to agree with my views, because if everyone agreed with me then I… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
