“I left a jar in the doorway to leave the door ajar, but love never walked in.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’d dig your grave with a spoon, if the earth were made of green Jell-O.” — Jarod Kintz Nature Copy Share Image
“I’m a book lover. I’ve probably already fucked a whole library. ” — Jarod Kintz Book Copy Share Image
“Does Ziploc make body bags? I’ll bet the corpses would stay fresher for longer if they did.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I don’t know where, but I know how and why. Two out of three out of six ain’t bad.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I didn’t chug the hairspray because I’m an alcoholic. I drank it to style my throat hairs.” — Jarod Kintz Wine Copy Share Image
“I have a memory like a baseball glove, so please, don’t toss me a basketball-sized rumination.” — Jarod Kintz Baseball Copy Share Image
“Grow a garden. When there’s a food shortage in the future, you’ll need it. And when people try to steal your food… — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
“Love tip # 29: Increase your chances of getting to second date by not having stinky garlic breath during the end of… — Jarod Kintz First date Copy Share Image
“I don’t need a steak knife to cut my meat. That’s why karate chops were created. I’m like a butter knife, only… — Jarod Kintz Old people Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to help you write the book you’ve always wanted to write. That is, if you wanted to… — Jarod Kintz Books Copy Share Image
“My thermos does such a good job of keeping my tea hot that it feels like I’m drinking iced tea.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Not only do I not believe in not believing in God, I’m also a big supporter of crutches, canes, walkers, and anything… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When I’m cold and I fart, I always admonish myself saying, “Stop! Close the back door. You’re letting all the cold air… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I wrote a coded love note in my report for work. All the letters you need to read what I wrote are… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I have half a mustache. It was a gift from my father, who bought one with a Buy One Mustache, Get One… — Jarod Kintz Hair Copy Share Image
“Every man has a soul, but will every man’s clone have a soul? No, because me and some scientists will have sucked… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to help you become the next Great American Novelist. Hopefully after you use it to crack your… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Thor pushes the empty wheelbarrow by me and I decide to say something. “Wheelbarrows are great, huh? They make even the lightest… — Jarod Kintz Wheelbarrows Copy Share Image
“When trying to find the words to tell her how much I loved her, I stumbled across the ingredients for grilled cheese… — Jarod Kintz Grilled cheese Copy Share Image
“A brick could replace the eagle as the symbol for the United States of America. And why not? A brick just sort… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Last weekend I went out of my comfort zone to go hang out with people I’d only heard about, and I met… — Jarod Kintz Comfort zone Copy Share Image
“A brick is a duplicate. It is a physical copy of the idea for a brick. And what’s the big idea? A… — Jarod Kintz Big idea Copy Share Image
“I had a dream about you. We picked up where we left off, with leftovers, and I said this was the best… — Jarod Kintz Dreams Copy Share Image
“I’ll tell him this isn’t just a job to me, it’s a career, a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity that I’ll surely never take for… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Your mother, my mother, and mother of pearl walk into a bar, and the bartender says, “Hello, dad, you look more like… — Jarod Kintz French revolution Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as gift for the man who has everything. Here’s a tip: that man doesn’t have everything, because… — Jarod Kintz Gift Copy Share Image
