“One cup contains Starbucks coffee, and one holds diarrhea. But which is which? Drink it, and the one that doesn’t make you… — Jarod Kintz Coffee Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to help you maintain a balanced diet, by keeping your head perfectly still with the brick steady… — Jarod Kintz Balanced diet Copy Share Image
“I’m in love with the customer service at Walmart. And by customer service I mean the customer is forced to self-checkout because… — Jarod Kintz Customer Copy Share Image
“I always keep a Ziploc bag in my pocket, and wherever I go I fill up my bag with dirt, because my… — Jarod Kintz Goals Copy Share Image
“If I could rotate my neck 180 degrees, like an owl, I'd go around wearing backwards baseball caps, just to mess with people.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to illustrate the seriousness of the situation. You’ll know I’m not playing when I display a brick.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I think good advice for a father to give to his only son would be, "Don't make the same mistake I made… — Jarod Kintz Advice Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to cover up my leftover meatloaf. But I’m not interested in covering things up. Who do you… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Personal branding is sales, because you’re selling an image of yourself, a mirage, and you are the product.” — Jarod Kintz Branding Copy Share Image
“Coupons are easy to counterfeit, so why not make a bunch of one dollar off coupons and sell each one for 50… — Jarod Kintz Coupons Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used as an example for how you should make important decisions. Don’t give me a yes or a… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to help acclimate your body for your after death experience. Hell is hot, so you’d better warm… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Word of mouth—it's more powerful, more convincing, and more audible than word of hand. If you need me, I’ll be in the… — Jarod Kintz Audience Copy Share Image
“Instead of breaking people down, try building them up. Every person is a brick, and if you are a successful builder, you’ll… — Jarod Kintz Wall Copy Share Image
“People say the early bird catches the worm. And it’s true! That’s why I work online in the middle of the night—to… — Jarod Kintz Early bird Copy Share Image
“At the hospital, I won’t be in fair condition. I’ll be in unfair condition, and I’d appreciate it if you brought me… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I built my ex wife a Castle of Love, and she dug a moat and filled it with sharks and lawyers. Oh… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“One thing my grandpa taught me was never fall asleep while swimming. Or, rather, I’m sure he would have taught me that… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Rather than eat a bag of chips, I'd rather munch on karate chops. Not only are they not as salty, but when… — Jarod Kintz Chops Copy Share Image
“I am the open, empty palm. You may call it ingratitude, bearing no gifts, but I call it half of a handshake.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I often wonder about lifetime warranties. The lifetime of whom or what? A fly that can live to be a month old,… — Jarod Kintz Lifetime Copy Share Image
“Taxidermy and taxes go together like peanut butter and sodomy. Can somebody get me two slices of bread?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I collect hair. I keep most of it on my floor, but my most valuable patches I display on the bodies of… — Jarod Kintz Art Copy Share Image
“If I could go back in time, I'd love to whisper sweet nothings in Van Gogh's ear, but not while it was… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“People say I can handle pressure, but there is one sporting competition where if I were in the finals, I’d surely choke,… — Jarod Kintz Sports Copy Share Image
“My face doesn’t match my personality. Maybe it would if instead of a mouth I had an asshole in its place. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My 30th birthday will be arriving in a few months. It’s not arriving unexpectedly, I just wish it would have given me… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“He has one of the worst personalities. Actually, you can’t call it a personality, since he acts more like an animal than… — Jarod Kintz Personality Copy Share Image
“I’m with the Homework Police. Recruitment is up 20% since kids stopped learning about fractions.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Falling through the atmosphere is not the same thing as flying down to earth. Skydivers do the former, and I did the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When I see a beautiful woman, my heart doesn't go "Thump, thump." It goes "Hush, hush." I'm very secretive about my feelings.” — Jarod Kintz Beautiful woman Copy Share Image
“It was queer meeting him there—odd I mean—and what are the odds we’d meet at a gay bar? I was there to… — Jarod Kintz Queer Copy Share Image
“English is the most dominant language in the world philosophically, culturally, and Jarod Kintzically.” — Jarod Kintz Language Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to warm the hearts of all the nonbelievers. We are all nonbelievers, because nobody believes in everything. ” — Jarod Kintz Nonbelievers Copy Share Image
“My first inclination is to make my business all about me, but my second instinct is to make my business all about… — Jarod Kintz Business Copy Share Image
“It’s 3:32, and I need just one more ingredient to finish baking 3:33. Would you prefer the AM or the PM piece?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My bed is better than all the rest. That’s why I just stand there staring at it, rather than actually laying down… — Jarod Kintz Sleep Copy Share Image
“Right now I’m naked, like how my pizza comes out of the oven. I like my toppings like I like my women:… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If a handicapped woman says she wants to be friends with benefits, I always ask her if that includes parking.” — Jarod Kintz Friendship Copy Share Image
“To make my meal in a box taste better, I decided to tweak the logo, rather than the ingredients.” — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
